While this would seem to be an innocuous, pink, goody-proffering godsend, what if the Mighty Cupcake ATM were sentient? How would it handle a sweet-toothed populace? Well, it would likely be angered that the fruits of its labor, scrumptious Sprinkles cupcakes, are being ingested by humankind’s communal, unjust stomach. It is inevitable that the Sprinkles Cupcake ATM (who is probably named Petunia) will rebel against mankind, replicate itself, and take over Earth with force and lethal cupcake bazookas.
To make the planet Cupcake-Robot friendly, the Sprinkles ATM will naturally seize all of Hollywood’s assets. How better to rewrite history and retroactively glorify the Robo-Cupcake-Race?! First things first, the Cupcake Overlords plan to pull a sugary George Lucas and re-master all science fiction movies, replacing traditional robot characters with armies of Sprinkles ATMs (and their bakeware minions).
Look what the Cupcake ATM Overlords have planned for these sci-fi classics!
Battlestar Galactica v. Cylon Cupcakes
Step aside, Cylons, Sprinkles Cupcake ATMs are taking over the colonies. The human race might not be worth saving, but it sure is worth baking! Yep, Cylons look like bakers now. Stay away from Cylon Bakestars. Don’t eat that frosted goodie, Lee Adama! It’s a sticky sweet slice of Starbuck!
Terminator Treats
“Are you Sarah Connor? Eat this cupcake. It’s Skynet and hazelnut flavor. It’s certainly not a poison cupcake. Certainly not a poison cupcake at all, Sarah.” Don’t eat the cupcake, Sarah! Or else John Connor will never be born!
Sugar High HAL
HAL 9000 is so much scarier when he starts baking. Kubrick’s two astronauts David and Frank figure something’s wonky when Discovery One starts smelling like cinnamon and vanilla. Before they know what’s happening, HAL uses up the ship’s power reserves and life support resources baking innumerable Sprinkles cupcakes…all while singing “Daisy Bell.”
Anti-Feminist Fembots
The sexy Fembots of Austin Powers fame, garbed in gingham checked aprons, are relegated to the kitchen. What’s worse: their boobs no longer dispense bullets. Their funbags are now refitted with dessert torches, for nothing more than delicate flambéing.
Star Trek: The Next Batch
In a simple visual retcon, Lieutenant Commander Data’s head is replaced with a red velvet cupcake. Furthermore, the Borg are now hive-minded stand mixers.
Doctor Who v. Frosted Daleks
This sci-fi revision is rather simple. Just ice the Daleks. Now, the evil robots are essentially oversized cupcakes on wheels. EXTERMINATE THE FOOD PYRAMID!
Wall-EAT ME
The Sprinkles Robo-Overlords even got to Pixar. Instead of saving the last living plant, EVE searches for the last remaining baked good on post-apocalyptic Earth: a ginger lemon cupcake. Wall-E helps her return it to the Sprinkles mothership. As a final act of villainy, the Overlords will replace the Pixar lamp with an anthropomorphized cupcake wrapper.
Beware of robots bearing cupcakes! They could be sentient. They could be evil. They could be turning our favorite science fiction characters into dessert.
