While we eagerly anticipate his sophomore outing as host, and the royal skewering of Hollywood he’s sure to bring, the odds are slim that the most deserving targets of his barbs will feel any heat: The 83-odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press (HFPA). With not a single reputable film writer in the bunch and decades of scandals and corruption, the question is: Why are these folks given such access to A-list stars and mega-powerful studio execs? The answer: Awards for sale!
So, for all the filmmakers and movie stars out there, here’s a handy-dandy guide to three sure-fire ways to win your very own Golden Globe!
1) Answer the Hollywood Foreign Press’ inane questions!
If you’re already a big movie star, that’s half the battle! Now you just have to go to the interview junkets and endure hours of vacuous questions from the star-struck HFPA members.
“Oh, Tom Cruise, what’s it like to be famous?” or,
“Angelina, everyone’s dying to know … who does your hair?”
If you’re lucky, you’ll even get asked about your project!
2) Grease some palms!
The HFPA is certainly not above a bit of the ol’ bribery. Unlike the Academy Awards (which is voted on by people actually IN the film industry, as opposed to “a group of whores from other countries,” as Rescue Me Exec. Producer Peter Tolan cheerfully described them), they don’t really mind if their voting members hobnob with potential nominees and industry types. So, when a studio wants to give their movie a little buzz, like Sony did last year with their critically-panned dud, Burlesque, why not fly some HFPA members to Vegas and treat them to a Cher concert?
Voila! Burlesque was nominated for THREE Golden Globes. Including Best Movie. Suck it, Inception!
3) Drunkenly embarrass yourself!
Want to increase your odds of being nominated next year? Drunkenly embarrass yourself! After the FCC denounced the HFPA for misleading “the public as to how the winners were determined” in the late ’60s, NBC kicked them off the air for a decade. Untelevised, it became de rigueur for celebs to get totally smashed at the awards ceremony: a tradition that continues to this very day. Angelina Jolie jumped into the Beverly Hilton pool in her designer dress after winning for Gia. Jack Nicholson admitted popping a few valium while accepting an award and referred to Kathy Bates as “The Bates Motel.” Last year, Boardwalk Empire‘s Paz de la Huerta got sloshed and flashed her nips when she wasn’t allowed into an after party.
While Paz may have come close, no one tops Cleopatra herself, the late, great Elizabeth Taylor, who almost drunkenly announced the Best Drama winner before reading the nominations, until Dick Clark swooped in to save the day.
Best teleprompter reading goes to … “Elizabeth … Billy Elliott!”
So, now that you’re in on the joke, when you sit back to enjoy the Globes, pop a brewski and remember, at the end of the night, some actors will cash in their awards bonuses and a few lucky studios get to put “Winner of the Golden Globe” on their DVD covers! When are the Oscars, again?
