How to Trick Your Boyfriend Into Hating Threesomes!

Despite your best intentions, the honeymoon period inevitably fades and both parties fall into a dull, monotonous routine.

Case in point: Every Saturday night, like clockwork, you and your man shuffle off to the local dance club, seduce another woman, then head back home for yet another marathon sex session taking place in all the predictable locations around your house. Bedroom, kitchen counter, stairway, crawl space. It’s as if you can set your watch to the motions.

But the next time you’re wiping the melted candle wax from your boyfriend’s leather mask as he mounts the Puerto Rican meter maid you met while in line at the bakery, take solace in one simple truth: You are not alone.

Millions of couples have succumb to the boring and lifeless orgy habit at some point in their relationships. Your friends, your neighbors, even your parents. This coming holiday, when you’re chatting with dear ol’ Mom and Dad, be comforted in the fact that they, too, have invited others into their bedroom.

But there is hope!

You — yes, you! — hold the power to escape the doldrums of hedonistic flesh piles and forge loins-first into the exhilarating world of white-hot monogamy and toe-curling commitment! All it takes is a few simple steps, and then you and your guy can experience the pangs of ecstasy that only come with a quiet evening alone on the couch.

Stage One: Laying the Groundwork

1. It’s important to tread lightly in the beginning and ease into the fantasy. Next weekend, when the two of you are busy slapping the rosy backside of an Arby’s waitress on break, whisper seductively into his ear, “Wouldn’t this be even hotter if it was just you and me playing Parcheesi in the living room?”

2. Sneak in a few suggestive films in with your usual fare. On the way back from Vinnie’s Adult World, include something a little more daring like It’s a Wonderful Life, The Notebook, or a copy of Better Homes and Gardens.

3. Ramp up the hints. As your boss’ secretary emerges from your bathroom donning a Lara Croft outfit, pop in a DVD and start playing the first ten minutes of Up.

Stage Two: Pulling the Trigger

4. Now it’s time to show him you mean business. Before another lascivious escapade begins, keep the Beginners Yoga teacher blindfolded and suspended in the sex swing, then focus all your lustful energy into cuddling with your partner. If he resists, fake an appendicitis.

5. Stage situations that fulfill your desires. Tell your boyfriend that the Asian BBW who responded to your Craigslist ad has just boarded the bus and is en route to your place, when in reality, the address you provided her is to a P.F. Chang’s one town over. When she doesn’t arrive, shrug and wonder aloud if you could return the rented Sybian before you get charged.

6. Ensure a lengthy hiatus from any lewd entanglement. When planning a trip to Hedonism Resorts, remark how you “heard” they opened a branch in the Midwest. Book the flight and enjoy the next two weeks of peaceful, nonsensual tranquility with your boyfriend in Madison, Wisconsin — the boner-killing capital of the world.

Stage Three: Maintaining the Status Quo

7. By now, your boyfriend has a wealth of psychological trauma associated with his own libido. Congratulations! Prolong those flaccid thoughts by ridding your wardrobe of lingerie and begin an inexorable bond with Mormon underwear.

8. Avoid threesome sensory catalysts which could cause a full-blown relapse. Check channel guides and steer clear of any station airing Wild Things, Two Girls and a Guy, Go, Blowup, Cruel Intentions, Black Swan, Shortbus, Mulholland Drive, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Bound, and American Psycho.

9. Should he propose a return to any group sexual activity, reply, “I’ll think about it.” Then immediately put on Y Tu Mamá También or My Own Private Idaho while giving him a knowing look.