“Where there is love, there is life.” And Dwayne Michael Carter (Lil’ Wayne) said, “I get head and tail like a quarter … in that order.” Despite the wisdom of these words, every now and then, you come to a point in life when it’s time to let that special someone go and doing that is not easy — because those fuckers can be clingy! But we’ve created five surefire ways to get rid of even the neediest, most dependent, and oblivious of significant others — and if you haven’t lost them in 10 days, you might want to call the authorities because the person’s INSANE.
1. Dealing with one of those guys who literally does whatever you ask him to?
First tell him to pull down his skirt. Then escort him to one of his male bonding functions, aka a football tailgate at that trashy bar called Happy Endings that you secretly frequent on Tuesdays while everyone else is getting tacos at Chi Chis. Make him hold your purse because “it’s designer and you don’t want it on the floor.”** Then, during the fourth quarter when the game is tied, ask him to reach into your bag and grab you a tampon. If he hesitates in any capacity, throw your drink in his best friend’s face and shriek, “You guys know NOTHING about shedding your uterine walls. I’ve been bleeding like a Tedd Bundy victim all afternoon!” Make sure you linger for six seconds in order to add to the the awkwardness of the room before making your way to the bathroom. Then leave. Alone. Mission Accomplished.
** Do NOT reveal that you actually bought the purse from Target.
2. Stuck with one of those girls who is so confident that she doesn’t mind when you act all aloof and masculine?
Newsflash: chicks are into that! Here’s what you gotta do. The next time she comes home from a long day, tell her you’d like to treat her to a nice dinner out. When she’s getting dressed, tell her that she has a beautiful body and that you find her to be so sexy. Then reveal that you’ve always had a sexual fetish for larger women. Before she has time to react, tell her you that you made reservations at the Cheesecake factory and then start jiggling her naked belly. When she pushes you away grab her belly again and start talking from it in a German accent. If she starts to cry because you’ve hurt her feelings, immediately start masturbating. You’re welcome.
3. This next method works great on a man of God.
Anytime you’re trying to get rid of that good Samaritan, offer to house-sit his cat while he volunteers at that soup kitchen downtown — you know, the one that makes that really good chicken noodle blend? As soon as he leaves, shave his cat, Peaches, and place her in a brown paper box labeled “FREE FOOD: PEACHES.” Then leave the box outside of the soup kitchen. When he comes home, claim that Peaches has been on her best behavior, as you stroke his childhood Finding Nemo doll. At this point he might start praying for you. If he does, tell him that you’ve decided to devote your life to God and join a Benedictine convent. If he’s REALLY a man of God, he’ll respect that.
4. Not comfortable with confrontation?
No problem. The next time you and your man are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom, tell him that you really appreciate his penis. Elaborate by saying, “I actually enjoy a small penis because the last guy I dated had such a large dick I couldn’t handle it during sex. But I did like to lick it, so that’s interesting.” By this point, he will feel pretty insecure. Then say, “You know what, I’m not really in the mood right now. Do you mind if I put in a movie?” Immediately pop in a copy of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.** When you jump back in to bed, fart. By this point he should be gone, but if not, turn on your electric toothbrush under the covers, tilt your head back, and start tremoring and moaning (this act is most effective if completed during the syntactic climax of the film).
** Other great movie options are: 13 Going on 30, What a Girl Wants, and the Bollywood version of Pride and Prejudice (Bride and Prejudice)
5. STILL can’t get rid of them?
At this point, you’re gonna to have to simply BE RACIST.
Hey Kosha! I remember you from Ithaca (theatre dept!). My friend from home writes for this blog too and had this on the news feed! What a small world! Love the comedy!