Ah, the joys of the zombie apocalypse. While running for your life from a horde of peckish zombies, you stumble across a handy-dandy long forgotten Cold War fallout shelter. Lucky for you, it’s undead-proof and full of slightly out-of-date provisions. But you know what it’s missing? Those special, homey touches.
This how-to guide provides five creative tips on how to turn a dank safe house into a safe haven you would be proud to call home! Your friends will risk life and limb to visit your cozy digs and rest their rumps in your vintage papasan chair.
Tip #1: Nonperishable Architecture 
First you live in ’em, then you eat ’em.
Most fallout shelters suffer from limited floor plan syndrome … borrrring! You can fix that! Transform your safe haven into a charming one-bedroom bungalow by constructing walls out of the canned goods of yesteryear. You can even coordinate your interior color scheme with the campy accouterments bequeathed to you by your Cold War benefactors. Canned corn, peas, and carrots furnish a bright motif while canned beans make an attractive accent wall.
Tip #2: Get Creative with Booby Traps
A safe house is only as safe as you make it and no one wants zombies on their lawn. This means booby traps. Rusty bear traps are such an eyesore. For a more attractive zombie slicing-and-dicing option, build a tiger pit. Pits are subtle and zombies are klutzy. A deluxe tiger pit will dispatch an entire herd of the marauding horde! Plus, with entertainment virtually nonexistent and appropriate mates scarce, watching zombies fall into your tiger pit may well be your best substitute for sitcoms and sex.
Tip #3: Zombie Tiki Torches
With the suspension of garbage collection, it becomes necessary to take care of those unattractive zombie corpses piling up on your doorstep. Make those carcasses work FOR you! A new twist on the funeral pyre: Toss on the zombies, light the fire, and roast your rations. As the flames die down, the orange glow from the undead embers is reminiscent of festive Tiki torches. The flaming zombie is the new pink flamingo!
Tip #4: Crafts and the First Aid Kit
Sadly, first aid kits will do you no good in a zombie apocalypse. In short, you get bit, you get dead. Instead of Aspirin and tweezers, you need art therapy and relaxation. Decoupage with gauze, Band-Aids, and latex gloves! Channel your favorite zombie-slaying moment into a texturized piece of art to hang over your toilet bucket!
Tip #5: The Party of the Apocalypse
Wait, are these zombies or ravers?Apocalypses can be very lonely. The solution? A party. Let your fellow survivors know that you are receiving guests by loudly singing out the lyrics to the Bee Gee’s “Stayin’ Alive” between zombie attacks. Set the party mood by lighting emergency candles. Pass the Spam and Twinkies, and dive into wasteland gossip. You know your party’s a success when all the Spam is gone and everyone’s still playing “Guess How Many Zombies Will Fall into the Tiger Pit.”
There you have it, survivors! Apply these tips to your fallout shelter and you’ll be ready to fight off the undead scourge in comfort and style. Unwanted house guests might even become more of a problem than the zombies!
