How Out of the Closet Are You?

When it comes to dating, straight women only have to worry about whether or not the guy they’re interested in will like them in return.  But for gay people, dating’s complicated.  Not only must we wonder whether or not the guy we’re crushing on will like us in return, but we also have to consider which stage of the coming out process the guy’s in before we can move forward.

Here are those four stages, and how openly gay men should deal with the guy in each stage:

Stage One:  The Closet Case

He’s a “straight” guy who’s completely convinced he’s not gay.  If you decide to pursue this fella, be warned: he’ll be offended that you find him attractive and insist that, as a “real man,” you should only find him as sexy as Larry King in a burka.

How to handle him:  You can look, but don’t touch.  Just give him a subtle tease with your eyes that says: “You know you want me.  Too bad you can’t have me.  Now, go have fun with your girlfriend’s … whatever-she-has-down-there.  Muahahaha!”

Stage Two:  The Chameleon

The closet door is wide open, but he’s not ready to step out yet.  So, you’re never quite sure whether he’s feeling gay today or not.  Is he up to listening to Janet Jackson’s latest album or just watching Ricky Gervais’ new stand-up comedy special?  Freaking each other at the club or playing golf?  Cosmopolitan or Corona with lime?  Receiving a job on the kitchen table, or reading about Job from the Bible?

How to deal with him:  Leave him alone.  This guy’s volatile, and any relationship with him is bound to be filled with dra-ma.

Don’t ask. Don’t tell. Just shut up and kiss me before anyone sees.
 

He’s out of the closet, but only in certain area codes.  (Like, you know, the ones his parents don’t live in.)  He’s got all kinds of tricks up his sleeve, just in case a second cousin, or a great aunt, suddenly appears at the restaurant you’re both having dinner at.  If a family member shows up unexpectedly, he’ll put on his sunglasses, don a beret, sport his fake, curly mustache and start speaking to you only in Pig Latin.

How to deal with him:  Give him a shot.  He’s trying his best.  (Hey, it’s not like we live in Ancient Greece.)

Stage Four:  The Spawn of Harvey Milk

He’s out to everyone, including his neighbor’s grandma’s gynecologist.  He wears rainbow pajamas to bed, and his idea of romance is handcuffing himself to the gates of the White House and staying there until same-sex marriage is legalized all across the nation.  He’s auditioning for the next season of Glee and he’s got two VIP tickets to the next Lady Gaga concert — where he’ll be dressing up as a near-sighted robot stripper with a Kermit the Frog necklace.

How to deal with him:  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?  This guy’s rarer than a Dodo Bird who’s voting for Mitt Romney.  Marry him!