Every time I’m trying to watch a little Jersey Shore, the damn trailer for Sucker Punch comes on and confuses the hell out of me. I just don’t get it. Sure, it looks cool. Yeah, everybody loves strippers. But what in the world happens in that movie? I’m not even sure I know what happens in the trailer. I mean, I know what happens in the trailer…
A hot blonde girl lays passed out in the back seat of a car as she’s driven to a mental institution. There’s a voiceover of some Russian broad repeating, “You’re safe,” in the most unreassuringly way possible. In some of the trailers, a clip of our lady hero taking karate lessons, or some shit, from the Russian pops up around this point.
Our cryptic comrade tells us that the “Fight for survival starts right now.” Suddenly, Blondie’s wearing some sort of Sailor Moon ninja get-up, walking through Saruman’s Zen garden. Some jittery jump cuts bring us to a gentlemen’s club on Saturn, where the CIA and a bunch of dragons attack the strippers — but the gals all have guns and swords and apparently they’re already dead (so much for the fight for survival).
And that goes on for a good while, that little montage of strippers fighting mythical beasts and secret agents. I just want you to contemplate that battle, really let that image sink in, in high def. You got that? Good, because that’s essentially the end of the trailer. A blimp explodes, someone pops a bottle of champagne, they mention finding freedom a couple of times, fade to black.
And the befuddled viewer is left to draw whatever conclusions seem most fitting. Each time I see it, another question arises. Are we really still relying on Cold War era villains? With strippers, spies and dragons already going full force, did anyone think maybe the robots were a bit much? Why is everything always on fire in her imagination? Is she supposed to be an interpretation of a young girl or just a whore-ish looking chick in pigtails? And last, but not least, what the hell is Sucker Punch about?
