Here are some things we believed in as kids that would change our lives in amazing ways if they were still undeniably true:
Santa Claus: Santa knew whether or not you were naughty or nice all year, and rewarded you accordingly by breaking and entering your home through your chimney.
Nowadays, if this were true, you’d be extra careful to avoid speeding on the freeway in hopes that Santa would get you that nice, new Prius you’d been hoping for. You’d leave whiskey and cookies by the chimney to sweeten the deal. (Eff milk.) But you’d still lock your bedroom door… it’s a little creepy having a drunk,
Leprechauns: Diminutive Irishmen hide pots of gold that could be found at the end of the rainbow.
Nowadays, if this were true, after years of violence in Ireland, human rights campaigns would prevail with special property rights protection to shield this long-persecuted minority.
Tooth Fairy: A fairy took your abandoned teeth and gave you cash in exchange.
Nowadays, if this were true, the tooth fairy would magically appear when you needed a root canal or bridgework and wave her magic wand and all those tremendous dental bills would disappear! Health insurance problem solved!!!
Prince Charming: For every girl, there was that one special man in the world who would sweep you off your feet! It would be love at first sight, and you’d live happily ever after.
Nowadays, if this were true, divorce lawyers would be unemployed, pre-nups wouldn’t exist, and commitment phobia would be a thing of the past because you’d be totally sure of yourself: kismet’s for real! Instead of a fruity blond on a horse, everyone would have their own flavor of Mr. Right — including Mrs. Right — from the sexy mechanic to the button-up Professor who’s into BDSM. Maybe you’d find happily ever after in a fetish club filled with many other similarly happy folks: to each his own fantasy.
Wishing Upon a Star: If you wished on a shooting star — or your birthday cake candles, for that matter — it would come true.
Nowadays, if this were true, the world would be overwhelmed with wealth and yachts, and everyone would be insanely attractive and skinny, despite eating whatever sumptuous delights they wanted. They would
Heaven: Your cat didn’t die when that car hit it, it was just now in heaven as a happy angel cat.
Nowadays, if we all really deeply knew there was a heaven, we’d probably all just shoot ourselves.
I mean… right? Where those 72 virgins at?!*
*72 virgin men for a woman is actually what would happen if we believed in hell.
