What could be more appropriate for Comediva than to have our hard launch occur on 3.14, a.k.a. PI DAY! Pi, as nerds know, is 3.14159265 (etc.). Pi, out loud, can also be understood as “pie,” which women everywhere know as The Downfall of Thanksgiving, and horny men everywhere know as the euphemism for vaginae. (Yes, that’s plural for vagina. Look it up on the online dictionary and press the sound button for endless amusement!) So that’s: 1.) Highbrow Nerdiness 2.) Girly Vice and 3.) Lowbrow Sexual Perversion — all in one holiday, which epitomizes the multifaceted nature of our amazing website. To celebrate, Comediva’s bringing its own special touch to the math world with:
(Did you notice the plural of formula is just like the plural of vagina?)
π shows up in all kinds of useful formulas during your high school career, like the area of a circle. Who could forget the classic hit,
? But since you’re out of high school and a circle’s area doesn’t really come up that often, it’s time to update with these helpful calculations:
The Holiday Formula
Where A = the area of your ass, which equals the amount of pie (π ) you ate multiplied by C, the number of cocktails consumed, to the nth power, represented by the number of crescent rolls you hoovered
down at the dinner table.
The One Night Stand Formula
Where A is the certainty of getting ass from the gentleman of the hour, which is equal to pi (girl with vagina in question), divided by her rank in attractiveness, multiplied by L, the number of Long Island Iced Teas she’s had, to the nth power of how recently she was dumped by the man she thought she would marry. (Example: A very depressed girl can be a 4, but a very confident and indifferent girl who’s getting mad play might be a negative two.)
Awesome Sex Formula
/d
Where π and x is his junk and your junk, the sum of which is to the nth power (number of days apart) represents the awesomeness of your sex, as calculated by e, his eagerness to please to the power of k, his skills as a lover, multiplied by a, your level of desire to the power of n (number of drinks you) had minus k, the number of things you have to remember to do tomorrow that are stressing you out. Divide the total number by d, his premature ejaculation.
We hope you all found these formulae helpful, and believe they might prove slightly more useful in your everyday life than the area of a circle does. Not that we’ve got anything against circles … but you know what’s even better? Some nice, fresh pumpkin pi. So we’ll leave you with that!
Special thanks to my awesome nerd sister, Christine Keefe, for her badass jack-o-lantern skillz as pictured. Clearly we were raised on PBS.
