Gente, here’s your weekly list of injustices in the world that warrant your immediate attention and your inconvenient boycott.
1. Wall Street
Why: Do you hear that, hermanas? That’s the sound of… A REVOLUCIÓN!
AJUA!
Si no lo sabían, protesters have gathered all around the country to boycott the greed of Wall Street!
No te tengo que decir that I’m really excited, gente. Every weekend since the Recesión began, I’ve been staging a one-woman protest outside my local bank and holding up a sign that reads:
“I CAN’T WITHDRAW LESS THAN $20 FROM THE ATM, AND THE PENS ATTACHED TO THOSE WIRES IN THE LOBBY NEVER HAVE INK! THIS IS CLASS WARFARE!”
This past week, people from all over el país have finally joined me to take a stand against greed!
Boycott:
Para ayudar a los protesters, boycott any behaviors that people from Wall Street exhibit, como:
– Standing in a large crowd, while staring at computer screens high above you, and covering your mouth in shock.
– Holding a teléfono, while staring at computer screens high above you, and covering your mouth in shock.
– Pointing to a line graph as it falls to its lowest punto, while staring at computer screens high above you, and covering your mouth in shock.
2. Hallmark
Why: Because unemployment is still un gran problema in the country, Hallmark has decided to print cards for people who’ve been laid off.
Come te atreves, Hallmark? Instead of trying to help the situation, you’ve decided to make money off of people’s misery!
Boycott:
Anything normally associated with a Hallmark card, como:
– Cartoons of puppies or gatos making clever jokes about your age that you secretly find offensive.
– Deep, inspirational words of wisdom… copied from dead people whose living familias probably should be collecting royalties from Hallmark.
– Comerciales that make you feel all warm and fuzzy at first, and then make you shed a bottomless torrent of tears that you didn’t know was possible for one person to shed.
3. Comparing Anyone To Hitler
Why: On Fox News, musician Hank Williams, Jr., recently compared Obama to Hitler.
Ay, gente, I’m so tired of this shit.
When you compare politicians like Bush or Obama to Hitler, le estas faltando respeto a toda la gente Judea who lost their lives under Hitler — and you trivialize the incredible evil that Adolf Hitler represented!
Not to mention that comparing people to Hitler is a total downer at fiestas.
Boycott:
Mira, instead of taking people you don’t like and comparing them to Hitler, try comparing them to alcoholic drinks. Not only is it more illustrative y accurate, pero it’s also very funny. Por ejemplo:
– George W. Bush is an Adios Motherfucker
– Barack Obama is a Blue Hawaiian on the Rocks
– Vladimir Putin is a White Russian
– John Boehner is an Orange Blossom
– Bill Clinton is a Blow Job
– Ron Paul is a Rusty Nail
– Marcus Bachmann is a Cosmopolitan
