Giggle Goddess: Lahna Turner

Connect with Lahna on Facebook and twitter. Be sure to follow The Perfect 10 podcast on Facebook and twitter, too! 

What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?

I love that question because I can’t imagine anybody not liking a cupcake. The very idea that someone would be like, “fuck that cupcake” is just ridiculous. I have to go old school and be simple about it: The classic wedding cupcake that’s vanilla with vanilla icing.

What or whom inspired you to pursue a career in comedy?

There weren’t many women like me doing comedy when I first started. But I always really loved it and was a huge fan. It was really random, but one time I just went to an open mic. The owner saw me and said I was awesome. Two months later he had me do a show and after I was done with my set he handed me $20. I couldn’t believe I had gotten paid to do it. That’s when I knew I was going to keep doing it. And the fact that my greatest inspiration was $20.00 has to be the worst Jew stereotype ever.

Specifically, who I look to for inspiration would be musical comics like Rodney Carrington, who is one of the best around. I was also a big Adam Sandler fan when I first started. Ralphie’s a huge inspiration to me as well.

If Chuck Norris were to corner you in an alley and challenge you to a duel, what would be your weapon of choice?

Honestly, I would run. I would run as fast as I could. That would be my only chance at getting out of there. I don’t think I would stand an actual chance in a physical altercation with anyone, including Chuck Norris. If the least skilled fighter in the world challenged me I think I’d still run.

What are some challenges you’ve faced since going down the comedy track and what in your experience has made those obstacles worth overcoming?

I always say i have a double edged sword when it comes to comedy. I have an amazing comedian husband who opens many doors for me, but I always joke because of Ralphie’s size that he casts a very big shadow. There are a lot of guys who bring their wives around to perform and they’re notoriously unfunny. I feel like I have to prove myself more because I am his wife. On the flip side, I’m able to do a lot of shows and have a lot of opportunities that I wouldn’t have if I weren’t his wife.

I love comedy and I never want to not be doing standup. Every time I have a bad show or a bad run in with somebody it sucks, but it’s not going to make me want to stop what I’m doing. Getting up and making people laugh is a joy in any situation. The worst possible scenario is that I might be performing in front of five people in a bowling alley. Does it suck? Yeah, it’s not like performing for 2,000 people in a sold out theater. But is it fun? Yes, and it’s still worth every minute.

I think sometimes the funniest things for me personally are the most embarrassing moments in my life. This is so gross but I was on a bus going from Egypt to Israel and I had dysentery. They didn’t want to stop the bus, so they only gave me a few minutes in the desert to take care of business in front of 150 people. When I got back on the bus everybody applauded me. It had to be the most embarrassing moment in my life because I basically dropped a deuce in front of a bus of strangers. It was so embarrassing but i had to laugh.

Which comedienne, dead or alive, would you love to work with/meet?

Phyllis Dillard. I got to see her perform and she was so amazing. She glided onto the stage and it was just beautiful. I wish I could watch her like that a thousand times just to try and wrap my mind around how good she is. She’s unbelievable.

I’ve always had a fascination with Gracie Allen. She was so beautiful and so incredibly talented. I would love to be able to watch Burns and Allen in person. They were amazing. As a comedy marriage, he loved her so much. She left the earth way too soon. That’s a beautiful love story right there.

What’s it like working with your husband, who is also a fellow comedian?

I love working with Ralphie. It’s awesome. We’ve got the kids so it’s great to hit the road as a family. We’re so lucky that we get to do what we love with the person/people we love. What could be better than that?

What draws you to musical comedy specifically?

I love writing songs and I’ve played guitar most of my life. When I first started performing out in public it was more the singer songwriter venues but I’d put in funny songs in between my others to break up my set. A lot of times people would ask me to play another funny song because people love to laugh. Someone told me I should go into a comedy club and play and I thought, what do I have to lose? I figured it was going to be a one night goof but I played three funny songs and it ended up being a big deal.

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When you’re not writing/performing comedy, you’re…

Typically, playing with the kids. Or taking care of business. Show business is fifty percent show, fifty percent business. A lot of people forget how hard it is. You have to hustle at all angles. You have to book the gig, promote the gig, get to the gig, and then perform at the gig. There is so much that goes into it before you get into it. But the kids have become my first priority. They’re only little for so long and I want to enjoy every minute of it.

Can you talk a little bit about the treatment you wrote for a potential sitcom?

Ralphie and I wrote a pilot for a whole series. We’re going to hopefully sell it this year. It’s loosely based on our lives. It’s racist, edgy, funny, and it flexes our comedic sensibility. We feel like it’s I Love Lucy meets The Honeymooners or Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s the overweight guy with the thin girl, but they also get the element of the real life married couple working on a show together. You can’t get that chemistry easily through two actors pretending to be husband and wife. It hasn’t been done for a long time but the formula throughout TV history has been enormously successful.

The show takes place in the south. It’s got that kind of Archie Bunker bite to it. The characters around us are hardcore and represent the opinions of many people. It’s got racist undertones but it’s not intended to hurt. It reflects our acts really well. It’s biting.

You’re going to be on an episode of  The Dog Whisperer, which is rather exciting! How’d that happen!?

They were doing a show about comedians and their dogs. I did Skyler Stone’s show at the Improv and The Dog Whisperer producer was there. I heard they wanted to feature Ralphie on an episode. They realized they could get two comedians with two dogs on one episode. I was initially nervous because all the dog parents look so bad on that show. We take a lot of pride in how we are with our dogs (our one dog now since our other, Pimp, passed away). I thought it’d be wonderful to do since our dog Pimp was nearing the end of his life. I thought that one of the things that would be on any dog’s bucket list would be to meet Cesar Milan. So we gave him that wish before he passed away.

When Pimp was a puppy, he would be alone in hotel rooms a lot and watch Animal Planet while we were performing. One of the shows he liked to watch was The Dog Whisperer. I know he was a fan of the show.

For the last 14 years since I’ve been with Ralphie we’ve been approached to do reality shows pretty much every six months. We did one documentary for Showtime. They followed us around for cameras and it didn’t end up getting picked up. Then we did a pilot for VH1, which was a straight up reality show. We hated it. But what a lot of people at the shows said was they wished they could be a fly on our wall.

The Perfect 10 episodes are just shy of an hour. They’re a love letter to our fans. We want them to connect with us on a more intimate level. We’re giving people that opportunity to be a deeper part of our lives.

The title of your autobiography?

It’s Been One Hell of a Ride by Lahna Turner. ‘Cause it’s going ot be at the end of my life right?

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And now an excerpt from that biography:

Lahna Turner is a musical comedy tour-de-force. Her two albums, If These Lips Could Talk and D!@k Jokes and Other Assorted Love Songs have received airplay at top radio stations across the country, on National Lampoon’s Top 40 comedy countdown, and is currently in rotation on Sirius Satellite Radio. She is the co-star of The Perfect 10 podcast with comedian and husband Ralphie May, and is in the upcoming indie flick, Teacher of the Year.