Gay Movie Reboots

On top of that, aren’t we at a point where having a gay character doesn’t necessarily make the movie a [gasp] gay movie? Can’t we all just get along?

No? Not yet? Well, first off, then, screw y’all, and secondly, here’s a list of movies that would’ve been just as great (or even better) had they featured queer folk:

Crazy, Stupid, Gay

Cal Weaver’s life is turned upside-down when his wife asks for a divorce after finding folder after folder of gay porn and homo-erotic e-journal entries on his computer. Outed and finally free, he meets a young buck of a lesbian who’s willing and determined to teach him a thing or two about picking people up in gay bars. Because… surprise! Awkward, clueless, and silly gays exist, too!

EGT (The Extra Gay Terrestrial)

But IS Eliot’s new alien friend gay? Truthfully, on their home-planet, the wee foreigner’s countrypeeps don’t have genders or sexual orientations. But given their propensity to don human-women’s clothes even though they have what many humans would dub “male parts,” little ignorant Eliot decides his new friend is here, queer, and everyone else should just get used to it. And basically nothing much else with the story changes and everyone lives happily ever after anyway kbai.

Eat, Gay, Love

A civil-unioned woman realizes how unhappy her domestic partnership is, and decides her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful break-up and division of assets, she takes off on a ’round-the-world’ journey to ‘find herself.’

The Hunger Gayms

When President Worley (aka the pastor who suggested all the gays be made to live behind an electric fence) comes to power and wants to remind his people of the struggles of uprising, he invents the Hunger Gayms. Every known gay man, lesbian, non-binary person from each district is put into an arena. Mostly, as they’re unwilling to actually kill one another, all contestants stand around, occasionally rile up some relationship drama/judge one another; however, during the fourth week of peace, when the tampax-bearing parachutes start floating into the enclosure, it’s a bloodbath. That is, once the protagonist, pansexual Katniss Everdeen, realizes what’s really amiss, and gets ally Haymitch to encourage her sponsors to parachute her some turkey basters.

Lez Misérables

Jean Valjean is released from a near two-decade prison stint to find himself in a poverty and classism-stricken France. After a number of really depressing events, including the death of a new friend he tried to protect as a result of a merciless detective, he finds his way to said friend’s estranged daughter who is being abused by a greedy couple and their daughters. Valjean and Cosette eventually find themselves in Paris, where Cosette meets Marie, the tomboyish daughter of an veteran. All sorts of other really depressing things happen, and all sorts of people with fancy French names die, but in the end all that matters is that Marie and Cosette do the U-Haul thing.

Transgenderformers: The Dark of the Moon

I mean, they’re robots, right? Since when do electronics have genders? Also, there’re tons of explosions.

Mean Gays

These days, everyone’s afraid to put a gay in a bad light. But, as a gay, I’m here to tell you we’re just like everybody else: there’re good gays and bad gays. And by that I mean…there are good people who happen to be gay and there’re bad people who happen to be gay. Also, apart from the bitchiness, Regina George was kind of a badass. So let’s replace the original queen bee with a queen bee and see what happens.

Burlesque

Change nothing.