So why not make her our president?
Not only would Gabby be the inspirational candidate we’ve all been waiting for, but if she was elected, she’d make her fellow Olympians members of her cabinet.
Here’s what that cabinet would probably look like:
Secretaries of State: Venus and Serena Williams
As Secretaries of State, Venus and Serena Williams would utilize their iron-like arms to create canals in the earth that would help provide fresh water to poor nations affected by droughts. They’d also deliver packages of free food to poor countries by launching them over the U.S. border with their tennis rackets.
First Order of Business: Find a matching pair of diplomatic-style pantsuits that won’t tear underneath their bulging biceps.
Secretary of Defense: The Dream Team
A stand out of The Secretary of Defense team would be Kobe Bryant, who would pretty much score every offensive blow against our enemies. But Kobe would have a hard time getting any love for his stellar talent and skill from most of the nation because: 1. He would be way too cocky about it. 2. He’s from Los Angeles and you know how people always be hatin’ on LA…
First Order of Business: Tell Spain’s Secretary of Defense, Pau Gasol, that the lead of Broadway’s Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat wants his wig and fake beard back.
Secretary of Treasury: Michael Phelps
Secretary of Treasury Michael Phelps’ Olympic gold medals would come in handy during America’s continuing economic hardships, because they could always be counted on for quickly coming up with some extra bars to fill up the country’s dwindling supply at Fort Knox.
First Order of Business: Break into fellow Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte’s dresser drawer, steal Lochte’s collection of diamond-incrusted grills, and then add these grills to the U.S. Treasury’s current account balance.
Secretary of Being Super Hot: Nathan Adrian
Taking a page out of Abercrombie and Fitch’s playbook, Gabby Douglas would make Nathan Adrian take off his shirt and prance around the borders of our country. This display of astounding hotness would attract tourists and consumers from other countries, thereby giving a huge boost to our economy.
First Order of Business: Look adorable.
President: Gabby Douglas
As President, Gabby Douglas would inspire the country by becoming the first African-American woman to be president — and the first president that would need a permission slip in order to travel to Russia and meet with Vladimir Putin.
First Order of Business: Require, by law, that every blogger who hated on her for her hair be forced to compete in an all-around international gymnastics competition that would include vaulting, uneven bars, a beam, oh and a floor exercise in which you have to dance to stupid ’80’s music, all while THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHES, AND YOUR STRUGGLING COUNTRY CLINGS TO YOUR SUCCESS AS ONE LAST SYMBOL OF ITS FORMER GREATNESS.
