Gente, here’s your weekly list of injustices in the world that warrant your immediate attention and your inconvenient boycott.
1. New Jersey
Why: Last week, el nuevo season of The Jersey Shore premiered. As a result, global stocks plummeted, London broke out in riots, and it was revealed that Catwoman was given a lame costume for el proximo Batman movie.
Gente, after witnessing Snooki mistake the Colosseum en Roma for an ancient hot tub, I now realize who is to blame for all the world’s problems: New Jersey.
Boycott
Any behavior que citizens de New Jersey exhibit como:
– Getting spray-on tans.
– Going to clubs y emborrachandose (getting drunk).
– Repeating the above two behaviors more than twelve times en una hora.
– If you’re an hombre: boycott naming yourself after a common noun como: “The Situation,” “The Event,” “The Occasion,” “The Altercation,” “The Predicament,” “The Dilemma,” or “The Quandry.”
– If you’re a mujer: naming yourself after a common slang term for “kissing,” como: “Snooki,” “Smoochi,” “Macki,” “Snogi,” “Tonguey,” “Sucki,” or “Frenchi.”
2. Good Credit Ratings
Why: Gente, que lastima, America’s credit rating was downgraded from a AAA to a AA+.
We also learned that the credit agencia, Standard and Pobre’s made a 2 Trillion dollar error. Es mas, despite the mistake, Standard and Pobre’s went ahead and lowered the rating, citing the political gridlock in Washington as their motivo.
Gente, that’s like if the CEO of Visa just happened to walk in on you and your husband fighting over your family budget, and then, after you and your marido paid your bills on time, the CEO from Visa decided to lower your credit rating de todos modos because of your bad “relationship” skills.
That’s so wrong!
Boycott
Send the mensaje to credit agencias that they can no longer exploit us! Boycott any practice that could give you a good credit rating like:
– Paying off your student loans.
– Paying off your car loans.
– Paying off your credit card debt.
– Paying off your mortgage.
– Having a full-time job that pays you enough dinero that would allow you to do all of the above, while still having some extra dinero left over for leisure activities.
– Living in the 1990s.
3. The Sun
Why: Los científicos are warning people of solar storms that could cause damage to our satellites, disrupt our communication sistemas, cause six million people to lose power, and cost us as much as two trillion dolares in damage.
Pero, no te preocupas: the upside is that these solar storms make for some really cool Disneyland-like light shows in the sky!
Ooooooh. Ahhhhhhh.
Boycott
Show the sun that we don’t need its solar tormentas to make things worse — boycott anything that has to do with the sun, como:
– Solar panels
– Sunglasses
– Sunroofs
– Sun-dried tomatoes
– Romantic rendezvous at sunset
– Photosynthesis (if you’re a plant que necesita the sun’s rays to create energy, try using Red Bull in the meantime)
