Step One: Drinks. Make yourself and your honored guests this fine, potent English cocktail, the “Drunken Earl Grey.” Mix two parts tea, two parts rum, and a splash of Pimm’s. Did you know that the Drunken Earl Grey was the celebratory cocktail of choice after the Brits won the Crimean War? Note: Be sure to drink this with your pinky out. For added fun, make a game out of it. Turn on the televised event and drink whenever anyone says “Majesty.”
Step Two: Accent. Try this on for size. “Oy there, ya slapper. You got’a talk like a local if ye wanna fit in at the big to-do, innit. Gor blimey, it’s the Queen Marm. Why, bollocks and Spam, she looks like a right English rose, she do! Blast, ya cheeky monkey, where’d ye run off with me pint a’ Drunken Earl Greys? Chimchimcheree, I’m gonna be knackered tomorry.” Well, I’ll say. That was a bit of all right.
Step Three: Ambience. What better way to pretend that you’re at Westminster Abbey for the royal event than to decorate your living room like a 500-year-old church and blast a mix of Westlife, Oasis, and Spice Girls. You know that old life-sized cardboard cutout of David Beckham you’ve been hiding in your closet? Whip that sucker out; Posh is old news, and you’re Becks’ hot new date!
Step Four: Attire. No Vivienne Westwood frock? No Alexander McQueen in your closet? No problem! Fashion your own Royal Wedding duds out of languishing prom dresses, Doc Martens, and your ex’s forgotten oxford button-down. If you end up looking like Hermione Granger from the later Harry Potters, you’re doing it right. Or, if you’re lucky enough to score with your own Prince Charming at your Royal Wedding re-creation, clothes are optional!
Step Five: Food. By now, you and your friends will need something hearty to soak up all those Drunken Earl Greys. Fish ‘N Chips defines British haute cuisine. Don’t have a deep fryer and several unfortunate cod lying around? Worry not. Call up your local delivery service and order in some McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Invite the delivery boy in. Put him in last Halloween’s Lady Gaga outfit. Oy! Lookie there, guvna! Elton John’s a guest at your very own Royal Wedding celebration!
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Chim-chimney, chim-chimney, chim-chim-chi-roo! I don’t know why this wedding makes me think of Mary Poppins.
This wedding depresses me. I want to get married to a prince. It’s not fair that Kate Middleton has stolen the one eligible prince from the rest of us.