This past Sunday, height-enthusiast Felix Baumgartner set the world record for tallest free fall ever made at an altitude of 128,100 feet. In the process, Felix was also the first person to reach supersonic speed without the help of a jet or spacecraft, because they totally take all the fun out of it.
As we watched the jump with mild enthusiasm twixt football games, we all began wondering what in the hell could have prompted Felix to try this. Barring some sort of mental disease that makes one a massive attention whore, my group of expert and learned friends came to the conclusion that good Ol’ Felix must be compensating for something. But what is he compensating for, you may ask? Said group of friends had some educated guesses.
1. Felix’s brother is Brian Baumgartner of The Office
Let’s be honest, if Brian Baumgartner is your brother, there’s no way you can top that with any sort of normal career choice. Kevin Malone is one of the remaining bright spots on The Office and it can’t be easy to share a family tree with that beautiful apple. Desperate for Mommy’s attention, Felix had no choice but throw himself from 24 miles up in the air, inevitably screaming “THE OFFICE PEAKED YEARS AGO!” all the way down.
2. Felix loves the stage, but can’t carry a tune
Not all of us are meant for the spotlight. Sure, we all bored grudgingly polite aunts and uncles with our rendition of “Over the Rainbow” at family parties, but we were four and audiences lose patience with talentless people around the age of seven. Felix, with no traceable amount of skill at any marketable trade and still yearning for the spotlight, has chosen to gain attention with as little talent as possible. Somehow, Felix has turned “falling off a log” into something resembling noteworthy. He just made it a really, really tall log.
3. Felix lives in LA and hates the traffic
As anyone who has ever gone on the 405 can tell you, cars and other people are the worst thing about Los Angeles. 2.5 hours to go eleven miles? Typical. Average driver speed decreased by 90% when it drizzles? You’re dumb if you think otherwise. When I’m a fifteen minutes late for a movie and missing the animated popcorn telling me to turn off my cell phone, I can almost see how traveling at 833.9 miles per hour could be enticing. It’s the part that comes after, when you get to your destination and get out of your car and still think that’s a grand idea that Felix lost me.
4. Felix has a tiny, tiny penis.
What better way to assert your manliness than insist on conquering random things like heights and space suits? Congrats, Felix. You fall real good. We wish you well when you inevitably insist on breaking the record for beers consumed in an hour and best caveman grunt.
