The Fairy Tale: Revisited

The problem with fairy tales and romantic comedies is that I’ve literally based my life on the assumption this will happen to me one day, too.

Digging deeper into this issue, I now realize my life has totally mirrored some of these plot lines, it’s just that the love story/movie generally ends at the very BEGINNING of the actual relationship.

So, let’s revisit some of our favorites and consider what actually happened after the credits rolled.

The Little Mermaid

(The 1989 Disney film, not the suicidal – albeit much more believable – version from 1837)

Story:

Mermaid Princess Ariel falls in love with human Prince Eric after rescuing him from drowning. A bunch of problems occur surrounding the fact that Ariel is a fucking fish and Eric is a human, but no worries, despite these red flags, the two fall in love and end up happily every after in the course of THREE CALENDAR DAYS.

Problems:

First of all, Ariel is 16! SIXTEEN YEARS OLD! It’ll be another ten years before her cerebral cortex even finishes forming. Not to mention bitch just got a vagina, so probably has no idea what that’s about… Eric is obviously more experienced so can perhaps walk her through that process. Let’s hope the numbers aren’t too off-kilter though, or Eric is in for a lot of #awkwardconvo.

Ariel’s dad is GOD (yikes), so like, can see everything the two are doing. Talk about the in-law from HELL.

Let’s not forget the happy couple JUST MET last week, and Ariel didn’t even have a voice box for most of it. Now she can walk and talk (and SING). So, with her newfound skills, bitch wants to run to LA and get on American Idol but Eric can’t come because he’s being groomed to take over the family business.

Meanwhile, Ariel starts to really resent that her man can’t swim – so the usual “why don’t you love it because I love it” fight ensues and Eric tells her she’ll never make in Hollywood, is a boring lay (dead fish, haha!) and her dad’s omnipresence sorta sucks. #FirstFight

Things start to REALLY fall apart when Eric tries to get his friends and Ariel’s friends together, but not only do they not get along, Eric’s friends EAT all Ariel’s besties. Life without Flounder is really hard on Ariel, so she turns to the bottle (not to mention how fat she gets going from an active lifestyle of swimming in the ocean all day to a sedentary one on a ship).

The pair decides to pull the classic “let’s save our marriage by having a baby” move (Ariel sets her sights on 16 and Pregnant after American Idol doesn’t pan out). But the two get their genomes sequenced only to find out inter-species are not ideal for procreation. Bummer.

One month in, Ariel really misses her home life. Meanwhile, Eric is getting tired of having a loud, chatty, teenager on his boat all the time, can’t stand that his wife refuses to cook his favorite dishes (lobster, shrimp, fish), and has decorated his once-classy abode to look like a flea market.

The marriage dissolves and is essentially chocked up to a Breaking Amish run on Ariel’s part and she returns to the sea while Eric meets up with his frat brothers in Ibiza to continue his trek as a hard-partying-Lindsay-Lohan-banging heir to an ambiguous throne.

FADE OUT.

The Princess Bride

Story:

Princess Buttercup and farmhand Westley fall madly in love. Needing cash for the nuptials, Westley takes off in search of fortune, never (wait for it) to be heard from again. Five years pass and Westley is totes dead, so Buttercup opts to marry villainous Prince Humperdinck since he rules, literally. Westley pops back up to claim his lady, some fighting occurs, and eventually, they ride off into the sunset on white horses with a giant and a Spaniard (you kinda had to be there).

Problems:

Things go swimmingly for the pair at first, until the need for money rears its ugly head again.

Let’s be honest here, Westley is adorable but totally unemployable. He pissed off the prince of the land, so he can’t get work in town, not to mention he has some MAJOR health problems from that one time Humperdinck tortured him to death (you kinda had to be there too). Buttercup possesses no real skills aside from ordering around Westley, so with their bills piling up, she tells boo to hit the high seas again.

So Westley is like, “Babe, don’t you remember what happened last time I went on tour?”

And Buttercup is like, “I don’t give a shit anymore, we need diapers. Find your little black mask and hit the road.”

Plus, we know Westley has always loved Buttercup, but homeboy has needs and was gone for over FIVE years…

So one night Buttercup is like, “How many girls did you bang when you were a badass pirate? I PROMISE I won’t get mad.”

And Westley is like, “I dunno babe, a few here and there…”

Naturally, Buttercup FLIPS OUT and wants to know all the deets on every girl, how young/skinny they were, and if he dropped the “as you wish” on any of these other hoes.

Westley tells her she’s overreacting but, “Seriously bitch, fuck you! You were about to MARRY FOR MONEY when I got back here, so you can’t talk!”

They kiss and make-up but the seed of growing resentment hath been planted.

Meanwhile, Buttercup realizes Humperdinck really just needed a haircut and some new clothes, and what guy doesn’t when we first start dating them? Sure, he tried to have her killed, but that’s kinda hot in a “50 Shades of Grey” way.  Things with Westley were fun, but he’s essentially a homeless thief, which is fun in your 20s, but now that Buttercup is getting a little older, she’s starting to rethink her strategy. Humperdinck has the biggest house in town, and just needs a trip to Top Shop.

Buttercup sends Westley packing and moves in with Humperdinck.

As you wish, bitch.

FADE OUT

Pretty Woman

Story:

Vivian, the hooker with a heart of gold wins over rich playboy, Edward. Rich playboy literally comes and rescues hooker, and the two ride off into the sunset together (presumably forever) after a week-long courting period.

Problems:

Uhm… the hooker was a HOOKER. A whore. Literally a whore. Sure, Vivian learned how to rock ’80s pantsuits in lieu of pleather, but any psychologist will tell you it takes 30 days to break a habit and another 30 to form a new one. Bitch has been off the streets and in Edward’s suite for a WEEK.

Putting that first glaring red flag aside, the two have a slew of other problems waiting in the wings.

First of all, they are 18 years apart in age (literally, but let’s assume a decent point spread even in the fictional plot). What do they have to talk about after the sex wears off? Once Vivian’s lack of basic social graces loses its adorableness, all Edward will be able to think about when he looks at her is all the dudes she banged for money. And let’s be honest, men don’t want any reminders they weren’t the first to park in their lady’s spot.

Aside from her ability to get railed on a piano, Vivian has no real life skills. So she throws herself into wedding planning, but Edward (having been previously married), isn’t down for a huge soiree.

The pair want kids, but soon learn Vivian’s HPV she got from being a HOOKER, went unchecked for so long that she now has cervical cancer, thus our playboy hero must don his cape for this woman… yet again.

Meanwhile, George Costanza is PISSED about the whole “fuck you” from Edward, and exacts his revenge by telling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE about our Vivian’s prior profession, making all social engagements #superawkward for the couple.

Edward’s new hottie, all sick and barren, has lost her luster – even in the pantsuits – and he starts to wonder why he couldn’t have just found a less whore-ish younger woman on sugardaddy.com, like a normal person.

Eventually, Vivian gets tired of Edward working all the time, and starts seeking attention elsewhere. Edward grows resentful of Vivian’s neediness, and “I told you so” George Costanza has the last laugh as a witness at their divorce hearing.

FADE OUT

And that’s that.

Submitted by: Cat Rhinehart