Enchanting broomsticks and turning princes into frogs? That’s so last millennium. Today’s witch needs a new skill set to survive, especially on the world’s largest social media site.
Here’s a peek into the net-savvy magical cookbook for the cauldron-inclined:
Hocus Poke-us
Sure, those playful “Pokes” were cute when they first rolled out, but everyone’s so over them now. This enchantment ensures that whenever someone gives you a Facebook Poke, they immediately receive a jab in the ribs from an invisible gorilla. If they keep it up, the jabs go further south until they become a pain in their own butt.
Wool of Batcrap Crazy
When a friend has a traumatic break-up followed by days of tequila, ice cream and emo music, this spell protects your Timeline from the inevitable 2 a.m. ranting meltdown. Can also be used for friends who just had “the most life-changing experience EVAH!!!!” at a UFO convention or pyramid sales conference.
Politickus Incendio
An essential charm for any election year or impromptu government shutdown, this not only torches all the frothing-at-the-mouth political posts in a newsfeed, it also bounces that rage back to the posters with a politically-induced STD. The hotter the post, the more it burns when they pee.
Roaming Eye of Newt
The second part of any political magic defense, this incantation hides your profile from Newt Gingrich whenever he trolls Facebook looking for his next wife. Can also be used as protection from Anthony Weiner and his alter ego, Carlos Danger.
Presto Digitalus Change-O
The handiest spell to have when a “Like” just won’t cut it, this little beauty switches the thumb in any “Like” to a middle finger. Witches experienced in coding and advanced toe of frog studies can animate the icon back and forth when a friend needs to be told “I like you, but you just said something profoundly stupid.”
AlacaShareZam
For truly evil witches, this is a useful tool against all the “Re-post this status for just one hour if you think cross-eyed unicorns should receive special attention on roller coasters. If we reach 10,000, we’ll send a unicorn to a theme park! Share if you agree!” posts. It autoplays the ten-hour looped video of “HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA” starring He-Man on the poster’s monitor and can not be turned off.
Two-way Magic Mirror
This mirror spell is truly a witch’s best friend. If any exes look you up on Facebook, it reflects only the best photos and status updates to show how insanely happy you are, and will even paste Tom Hiddleston in as your boyfriend. On the flip side, it also blocks you from contacting those same exes after you’ve had a bottle or two of wine alone on New Year’s Eve.
Avada Blockedavra
Are there really any unforgivable curses when it comes to advertising? The Avada Blockedavra not only dissolves those sidebar ads for Ralph’s Hipster-churned Butter with a satisfying hiss, it also sends Chuck Norris to the advertiser’s house for a round of Texas Ranger-powered wedgies and fills their hard drive with naked Gary Busey photos. OK, so it’s a teeny bit unforgivable.
How about a spell to return FB to its original form so that I can find my peeps posts? Sometimes I can’t even find mine!
I thought the anti-Carlos-Danger spell was for me…and then I got to Tom Hiddleston. I forget everything else you said. Was there even a post here? All I see is Tom Hiddleston. *swoon*
One of your best! Now, I would like to order the ex one with the Springsteen expansion pack.
Terri
I’m sorry. What were you saying? I couldn’t get past Hiddleston.