First Lady: Portia Da Rossi
First Lady Da Rossi would become a champion for a “vegan-only” country. Dubbing her cause the Let’s Veg! campaign, Da Rossi would work with PETA to bring an end to the vicious slaughtering of animals. She’d make sure that Americans stopped eating meat and instead ate more vegetables. True, America citizens would miss their beloved meat, but the upside would be that no one would be constipated ever again.
Secretary of Commerce: Justin Bieber
Secretary Bieber’s strategy for generating more commerce would be simple: he’d show up to perform at every strip mall in America, and then promise every fan a signed picture of himself if they bought everything in the mall.
Things would get scandalous for Secretary Bieber, however, when a fan suddenly comes forward and reveals she’s pregnant with his baby. Although Bieber would assert that it wasn’t his baby, he’d still offer up his DNA for a pregnancy test. But little would he know that he was falling right into the girl’s trap: she lied about the pregnancy only so she could get her hands on Bieber’s DNA — and create a Justin Bieber clone! The girl would look forward to the day when Justin Bieber’s clone would serenade her with Christmas songs, share pink underwear with her, and trade ear piercing horror stories.
Secretary of State: Tony Okungbowa (The DJ on The Ellen Show)
Ellen would make sure her administration had the most “gay-friendly” foreign policy in U.S. history. To help promote this policy, Secretary Okungbowa would give a historic speech at the U.N., declaring that “Human Rights are Gay Rights, and Gay Rights are Human Rights!” Then he’d pull out his turntables and play “It’s Raining Men.” A disco ball would drop from the ceiling, and President Ellen would appear out of nowhere and start dancing in the aisles of the U.N. chamber. All the heads of state would be shocked at first, but then they would quickly join President Ellen as she did the “dougie.”
President: Ellen
President Ellen would make her show’s 12 Days of Giveaways segment a federal program that would give free gifts to struggling families during the holidays. She’d bring so much joy to the country that congress would not only pass a constitutional amendment to allow Ellen to serve as president indefinitely, but they’d also kick Santa out of office, and have Ellen take over his job, too.
Unfortunately, after only one year, Ellen would resign from the position, admitting that judging people and putting them on “The Naughty List” was not “the right fit for her.” Although Americans would be sad to see Ellen leave as a judge, they would be happy with the new judges that replaced her: Jennifer Lopez and an old, Navajo woman.
