But rather than being frightened, I’ve decided to just be prepared. In this spirit, I’ve collected a few essential items to ensure my survival, but more importantly, to make sure I’m damn comfortable after that earthquake hits and we’re all on our own.
1. My Pillow
Sure, it may seem trivial, but this is a no-brainer. If necessary, I can (and have) slept anywhere as long as I have this pillow: in car back seats made for three people but currently seating four, on my boss’ couch during lunch, on the floor of an airport Hertz—anywhere. Not only is this the most comfortable pillow in the history of naptimes, but it’s so permanently and obviously covered in my drool that no one would ever want to steal it. When it comes time to run for a seat on the last plane out of California or fight a bitch to get to the last can of tuna fish at Ralph’s, one of us will be rested, the other will be out of fucking luck. Not to mention, being homeless and hopeless is no reason to have bags under one’s eyes.
2. Instant Pancake Batter
If I don’t get food, I’m cranky. If I don’t get food I like, I’m impossible. Just because California is in shambles and I’m living on the street because my decrepit apartment is in ruins doesn’t mean I’m going to starve, or worse, eat healthily. These days, pancake batter can be made with just a little bit of water and a quick shake, and that bottle is easily portable. Not only will the mysterious ingredients in instant pancake batter maintain my usual high-sugar and processed diet, but they’ll make me super popular with my homeless brethren if I decide to share (not likely). How would I cook them you ask? This is California. The hot-as-blazes sidewalk will do just fine and I’m so not above eating off the ground for a good pancake.
3. Condoms
It’s practically the end of the world. You never know what’s gonna go down.
4. At least one season of a show on DVD
Even in the most dire of circumstances and in the most hopeless of situations, good TV can still make me laugh (I don’t think I’ll need much help crying in this instance, so dramas are out. Sorry, The Good Wife). If I somehow find my way to a DVD player and I get to hear “there’s always money in the Banana Stand,” or “Treat Yo Self” everything will totally seem better for those twenty-one minutes. It’s like drugs, just without the chemical dependency or inconvenient dying. Also, there’s producers commentary on season two of Parks and Recreation that I’ve always meant to listen to. It’s times like this hypothetical situation when you remember your priorities.
5. A Flask
A flask is easily portable, can carry a fair amount of hard alcohol, and possibly give me something to barter with after money loses all value. A quick swig of tequila or JD and suddenly those terrifying, giant cracks in the earth are just Extreme Hopscotch. Plus, I’ve always wanted a flask, but fearing I would look like an alcoholic I’ve never bought one. Now I have the perfect excuse, and they sell this super cute one at Francesca. Silver linings! Let’s be honest, I won’t be able to carry around bottles of liquor as I fight to survive post-apocalyptic Cali, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to forgo alcohol. They call it liquid courage for a reason.
6. Crossbow
Obvious, right? Well I’m going to need to defend myself and my street-pancakes with something, and if there’s one thing I learned from years of watching (and then several years re-watching) Buffy the Vampire Slayer, it’s that first of all, apparently no one cares if you wield a crossbow out in the open. Second, the crossbow is totally the weapon of choice. It’s not as terrifying as a gun, more efficient than a stake and it looks awesome. Another lesson from Buffy: if there’s ever a time to look badass, it’s during an apocalypse episode. So, weather and physical shape permitting, leather pants are also a solid idea.
