Disney Villains vs. Super Villains

We who were blessed enough to know Disney movies by heart in our youth probably remember cheering on our favorite heroes and heroines as they battled with particularly fearsome foes.  We remember hating Shan Yu, laughing at Hades, and being creeped out by the Cheshire Cat.  But are these villains as powerful and BAMF-title worthy as previously thought?

Here to put them to the test are Super Villains of the Comic Book Universe!

Scar vs. Catwoman

These two cats are known for their wishy-washiness, cool methods of persuasion, and creepy, mildly suggestive facial expressions.  So who would win in this fight?  After his hench-hyenas fail to subdue one of Batman’s greatest foes (and special lady friends), Scar’s in an uproar and is left with no choice but to attack, himself.  However, Catwoman, with plenty of whip-cracking experience under her utility belt, cracks her trusty weapon of choice and keeps the lion at bay; a few more cracks and he’s her bitch.  Not too long after that, Catwoman introduces Scar to the world of performance — as a lion-tamer/lion-tamee duo — and the lion finally finds a place where he shines brighter than his prodigal brother.

Jafar vs. The Joker

The ultimate joke-off.  Or, better yet, unsettling-laugh-off.  Each has his own special brand of malice and weapons at his disposal, to be sure — not to mention a love for bad jokes and equally devoted and poor-joke-telling sidekicks.  So while Harley Quinn and Iago duke it out on the sidelines with pseudo-zingers, The Joker meets his match in the ambitious sorcerer, who whips out his notorious serpent staff and hypnotizes the clown at the first bad snake pun.

Ursula vs. Doctor Doom

Equipped with magic and the power to reach wide girth (that is, assuming this battle takes place after the Fantastic Four’s foe steals Galactus’s powers), the sea witch and the now-ginormous scientist fight it out in a more than equally matched battle.  However, when Doom busts out some sorcery, Ursula asks about his magical background.  “My mother was a witch!” cries the super villain, and their eyes meet and Doom’s severe mommy issues and general insecurities — which make up a good majority of the witch’s diet — ignite an undeniable connection between the two.  They both surrender at the thought of finally having found The One and go on to have many pudgy, magical, sociopathic babies.

Maleficent vs. Mephisto

It’s a whirlwind of bitches transforming into a clustercuss of wild beasts, going at each other’s throats!  Whose magic will win out?  There’s no denying Mephisto’s super strength, is that enough to overpower the queen of narcolepsy?  In the middle of the brawl, Maleficent hurls a well placed fireball into Mephisto’s gut, throwing him into an equally well placed poisonous threading needle.  Then, the sorceress collects the super villain’s unconscious body and pitches him over the nearby cliff, and watches to make sure the deed is done.  She leaves, convinced of her victory.  But is it really over?

Gaston vs. Bane

Brawn vs. Brawn.  Perfectly Spheric Head vs. Rectangular Prism.  Unparalleled Uncontrollable Rage vs. Intense Manxiety.  It’s a battle of wills and a battle of fists, with either side flexing his manhood with the fervor of a dozen burly bears.  But Bane’s overwhelming masculinity is too much for Gaston, who’s thrown into the murky depths of wild insecurity, which in turn renders him too depressed to fight.  The well groomed brute weeps, and Bane hesitates in surprise, but when Gaston turns to his one and only tactic — The Cheap Shot — his enemy catches the shotgun by the barrel and, in Hagridian fashion, fashions a knot.  Around Gaston’s once-impressively overly buff neck.