Well, the first thing you need to do is find your people. If you don’t know your people, you can’t sell your product. (In this example, your product is more dictatoring.) And where are your people? On the Internet! Your countrymen, and the global population that hates you, are the ones sending out all the revolution emails, tweets, and status updates. You can’t have those guys communicating electronically. Take away the ease of a modern-day revolution by hunting and trapping the Internet.
“But I’m just a dictator”, you say, “I don’t even know how to check my email!” Have no fear! Trapping the Internet is as simple as 1,2,3. And once you’ve got the Internet trapped, you’re the only one who can access it. So trap the ‘net and be on your way to obedience and respect.
1. Invest in Acme – From here on out, you’re going to be ordering a lot of products from Acme. And with the amount of coverage Al Jazeera is going to be giving the company, it would be wise to invest some of that oil money. It might not be around forever! You never know when people will start using fuel-efficient hydro-cars. I kid! People will never use fuel-efficient hydro cars!
2. Purchase the Acme 2-in-1 Internet Trap™ – This is probably the most revolutionary technology on the market for trapping the Internet. Directions are simple. Just take the box that comes with the kit, grab a stick to prop half the box up, and put the Acme Internet Bait™ under the box. Presto! Your kit is ready! Now you just wait for the Internet to notice the bait. This process shouldn’t take long; the Internet loves Acme Internet Bait™. When the Internet is secured safely under the box, pull the string that’s attached to your stick. Congratulations! You’ve trapped the Internet.
3. In Case of Emergency – If your Internet happens to get loose from your Acme 2-in-1 Internet Trap™, have no fear. Just order the Acme 2-in-1 Large Rubber Mallet™ and wreak havoc on your country’s electricity. With no electricity, your demographic will have to leave the shelter of their houses. Got ‘em!
Now that you have your people communication-less and outside, it’s time for that tough love. Or what you like to call “Hugging them with your Missiles.” We all know you only do this because you love them. Good luck!
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Good point on the DSU. They definitely won’t be undersold.
I always knew Wiley Coyote was a dictator. What a douche.
No, no, no — don’t use Acme! Their customer service is terrible and delivery always takes longer than the projected 10-14 days. Right now I’m all about DSU – Dictator Supplies Unlimited.
Kisses to Lindsay for looking out for the common dictator, though!