We here at Comediva hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are not created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with assets and attributes superior to others, and that this superiority makes their lives, liberties, and pursuits of happiness much more apt to put our bloomers in a twist. As such, it is our right to commemorate our nation’s birth with nothing less than a Dick Contest!
What bigger bang could there possibly be than a founding father face-off on the Fourth of July?
What’s that? History is boring? Ha, you just never saw the dashing debonair side of the Continental Congress delegates. We’re talking self-made men of power and prestige, not afraid to be labeled traitors, the original rebels with a cause. Forget James Dean on a motorcycle, a pony riding patriot can count on our vote any day. Long before Edward and Jacob, there was one epic rivalry that had the nation riveted:
What bigger bang could there possibly be than a founding father face-off on the Fourth of July?
What’s that? History is boring? Ha, you just never saw the dashing debonair side of the Continental Congress delegates. We’re talking self-made men of power and prestige, not afraid to be labeled traitors, the original rebels with a cause. Forget James Dean on a motorcycle, a pony riding patriot can count on our vote any day. Long before Edward and Jacob, there was one epic rivalry that had the nation riveted:
Thomas Jefferson versus John Adams
THOMAS JEFFERSON |
JOHN ADAMS |
|
| Profession | Plantation owner and writer. | Lawyer. |
| Nickname | “The silent member,” for his quill made everyone quiver. Purr. | “His Rotundity” for, you guessed it, his fatness and insistence the title of President needed to be more majestic. Sorry, John, can’t purr for that. |
| Remembered for … | His writing prowess. He pretty much single-handedly penned the Declaration of Independence. Word. | His oratory skills. Remember the Boston Massacre? He defended the British soldiers at the trial when no one else would. Now that’s cojones that are purr-worthy. Purr. |
| Quote every American should know: | “Determine never to be idle. No person will have occasion to complain of the want of time who never loses any. It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.” *Cough cough* Congress. If the average Joe doesn’t get a month off work, why the heck should you? |
“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.” *Cough cough* Medicare recipients who want the government to take their hands off their government-run Medicare. Talk about biting the hand that feeds… |
| Weird Coincidence | Died July 4th, 1826, the sentimental bastard. |
Also died July 4th, 1826, the creepy and sentimental bastard. |
Wow, two eloquent and thoughtful men who put their country above themselves, talk about old-fashioned gentlemen. I miss the good old days when our statesmen were actually stately and didn’t tweet photos of their crotch to total strangers. *sigh*
So who do YOU think won this Dick Contest?
And let us know which founding father you’d ring your bells for in the comments below!
I’m more of a Hugh Williamson girl. Math professor, scientist, political activist, physician, world traveller, soldier, statesman – what more could you want? And anyone who is remembered most for the words “Repression will provoke rebellion” must have known how to have a good time.