David’s Bitter Guide to Cell Phones

by Devastatingly David

Cell phones will give you brain cancer, they will turn into pac-man on your finances and devour your life savings down to the last quarter in your bank account and those that call themselves “providers” are in actuality takers who hold the leash of this beast while watching with passive, objective curiosity as you slide into the abyss of poverty, all so you can join the ranks of millions who are… I’m sorry, this has become a very long sentence and I am sure you get the point.  I’m also confident you will agree with the following.

1. “Smart” Phones

They are called “smart” because they can anticipate your needs based on your habitual patterns thanks to advanced algorithms.  “Smart” is just a marketing ploy to squeeze another $300 out of you for 20 pounds of frosting and 1 ounce of actual cake.  When one friend buys a simple phone and another buys a “smart” phone a disparity in status develops, which eventually leads to loneliness and despair.  The friendship will die and the earth will be salted where it fell.  The End.

2. Texting Plans

Texting is the social version of “hit-it-and-quit-it.”  Friends don’t like to respond to long personal emails about, say, ugly divorces that leave a man broken and lost.  No, it’s so much easier to simply text the following words the next day: “Dude, got ur email sopry bro thatsukz.”  It took me three days to figure out what the hell that actually said and when I did figure it out, I felt like I had just received some kind of automated message from the DMV.  Gone are the days of Band of Brothers.

3.  Picture Mail

I actually thought this feature would be beneficial to humanity.  I thought, “Now I can take a picture of suspicious people walking in my neighborhood.”  I’ve never used it and the only pictures I have received are pics of my friend’s ass with a face drawn on it (a bizarre, sideways face with a very neutral expression).  I’ve since decided that I would rather be mugged in my own neighborhood.  Economizing is important in these hard financial times.

4.  Internet

My last bill was for $295.  Apparently, a few bumps in the car, while your phone is in your pocket, can cause it to connect and stay connected to the internet.  No internet plan?  No problem.  Financial blood sucking is a service they provide for free!  Enjoy eating cheerios for the rest of the month.

5. Providers

Cell phones are like countries and when you pick a provider, you are placing your flag in that country.  So my question is this: why would you and your friends decide to be part of different countries?  We’ve already had one civil war people.  If someone chooses a company other than yours, they are saying “your country sucks and we are withdrawing from the U.N.”  You can use diplomacy and get them back, or use weed killer and write an ugly message on their lawn.