Dating Survival Guide: Passover Edition

So you’re a non-Jew dating a Chosen Person and he’s invited you to your first seder.  Mazel tov!  If he’s willing to introduce you to his family on this important holiday, he must really like you.  Now the pressure’s on to not fuck it up.

What’s a goy-l to do to pass muster with the fam?  With these tips — uncircumcized, of course — you’ll be able to finagle your way through Passover without looking like an ignorant schmuck.

The Story 

To avoid making a fool of yourself before your guy’s immediate and extended family, get acquainted with the basics.  Passover is a ceremonial dinner that recounts the story of the Exodus — yes, the same story as the Bible book.  If you’re too lazy to read the Bible (who isn’t?), then you can learn all you need to know by Netflixing The Ten Commandments.  Y’know, Charlton Heston, “Let my people go!”  The people?  The Jews.  Charlton?  Moses.  And Passover is all about that.  Specifically, one of the ten plagues to hit Egypt was the death of all firstborn sons one night, but the Israelites all marked their doors with lamb’s blood so their homes would be “passed over” and their sons spared.  Watch the movie, know the story.  Step one, achieved.

Cheat Sheet

Now that you’re armed with the basic narrative of the Exodus of the Israelites from Egypt, here’s a few key elements to help you gracefully survive the night without the disoriented deer-in-headlights look.

Quick Food Vocab

Matzo:  A crackerlike bread which is the center of the Passover meal.  It signifies the Israelites flight from Egypt in such haste that they couldn’t wait for their bread to rise, hence the unleavened matzo.  Passover is called, “The Feast of Unleavened Bread,” and special means are taken to remove all fermented foodstuffs (chametz) from the home ahead of time.

Charoset:  Symbolizing the mortar used by the Israelites in building, this apple-wine-walnut-sugar-cinnamon treat is super tasty.  Try not to shovel too much down with your matzo, there will be lots more to eat after.

Maror:  “Bitter herbs,” usually horseradish, eaten to remember the Passover sacrifice.  Eaten in a matzoh-charoset sandwich.  Spicy.

Gefilte Fish:  A nasty fish sausage thing that is gross and everyone knows it.  Don’t worry, you won’t have to eat it, it’s optional.

Keep it Kosher!  Impress the mother with your fine manners and bring a dish, but be sure that you buy it already prepared from a kosher market.  It’s safest to avoid cooking anything yourself, even if all the ingredients are kosher, I doubt you keep your kitchen kosher, and you don’t know how strict his family is in observance.

Drink!  Wine is a huge part of Passover:  It’s like a religious drinking game.  (“Every time we remember suffering, chug!”)  During seder, you’ll have a full four glasses, which is cool, but I don’t recommend skipping breakfast.  After the ceremonial part of the night, you’ll feast on all kinds of tastiness, but four glasses of wine with only matzoh and egg can be tough on an empty stomach.

Sing!  There’s lots of Hebrew you won’t know how to say and songs you won’t know how to sing, but you can always smile and clap.  Feel free to join in when you can:  “Dayenu” is a fun song with a refrain you’ll learn quickly (hint: it’s the word, “dayenu,” over and over again).

Potential Minefields

Challah:  While it might be your fave bread from your local Jewish bakery, challah is not kosher, so don’t bring it to seder!  You’d be bringing in chametz, the food banned from houses during Passover.  Definite no no.

Wine:  Wine is a perfect thing to bring to a seder; with four cups per person, you can’t have enough bottles.  But you must make sure you ask your liquor store for a kosher bottle (most stores have at least one or two varieties).  Bring a dry variety to offer a welcome respite from the headache-inducing sweetness of Manischewitz.

If you follow all these steps, are sweet and do your best, even his mother will soon understand the answer to the question:  “Why is this shicksa different from all other shicksas?”

Khag sameakh!

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