Mutual Interests:
You’re into softball and crochet projects, he’s into aimless foot-dragging and brain-noshing. Pretty disparate, no? Find the common ground between the two of you: go for long romantic walks — he’s basically walking all the time, anyway. Just point him in the direction of the beach, add a picnic basket and you’re set!
Cheat Sheet:
Here are some tips to help you with your zombie-beau:
Body Shop: Trying to plan a romantic meal for that picnic you’ve got planned? Your zombie hottie isn’t going to be so into that bottle of champagne … but he’d love a severed limb or a nice fresh liver! Go the extra mile for some human flesh and your guy’s sure to fall for you, hard. I recommend bribing someone at your local morgue who has a drug habit, or looking into the organ trade in Mexico. Remember, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! (For extra brownie points, drop some coin for a human heart … romantic, right?!)
Moans versus Groans: Women like to analyze conversations with men for secret meaning. Zombies are similar to men, except their vocabulary is rather truncated. Here’s an easy guide to what they mean:
“UUUUGGGGHHHN” – This long, low, prolonged moan indicates a listless, wondering state of mind. He’s saying, “I’m feeling a little directionless in my life, but I’m glad I have you with me.”
“BRAAAAAAAAAINS” – You will likely hear this one a lot. This indicates hunger and desire. You are best advised to steer clear of your man when he’s groaning this, or wear a protective helmet.
“AAAAAHHHHHHNN” – This passionate groan indicates something has agitated your man, possibly the smell of spilled blood, or another zombie has entered his territory. It can mean, “Stay back, this is my woman,” or “I’mma get me some of that,” depending on the context.
Potential Minefields:
Avoid Stairs: Because zombies are actually ambulatory corpses, your honey’s blood isn’t flowing the way it used to. This means it’s harder for him to perform complex motor skills, like climbing, jumping, or even walking up stairs. Make sure you go places with ramps or elevators to avoid an embarrassing scene.
Quiet Time: Zombies tend to be laconic, so your chatty Cathy routine won’t go over too hot with him. Instead of asking him how his day was or what he’s feeling, accept that he’s not a talker, and just wants to moan and wander. It’s simply his way.
Dinnertime: Whatever you do, don’t get between your man and his meal. This might mean parting ways with your dear cat, Fluffy, or your best friend, Joe. To you, it’s murder, but to him, it’s a necessary part of his existence, and it you can’t accept that, then you’d better not date him.
Viral versus Voodoo: It’s a common misconception among warm-blooders that all zombies are the same. That’s both ignorant and untrue: every zombie is unique, and there are different ways of becoming undead. For example, the viral zombie contracts the zombie virus, which then can be passed on. The voodoo zombie is created through a sorcerer who casts a spell on a person who is transformed into a mindless wanderer. If your man is a voodoo zombie, he will be much less likely to eat you. Good to know.
Lovemaking: Performing the physical act of love can prove a little complicated (recall the “limited blood flow” tidbit.) Luckily, rigor mortis can also help in that department. Just remember, as in any new relationship, you should be very mindful of sexually transmitted diseases. A viral zombie is infectious through all fluids (not just through attack bites), so always use protection, until you’re ready to move to the next level of commitment … where you commit to also being a zombie.
Congrats, necrophiliacs, you’re now prepared for the zombie love of your life! Best of all, you don’t have to go looking for it … it’ll come looking for you! (Generally, at night, when the fog rolls in — check your local weather and go to!)
