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If you’re a girl who grew up with brothers playing John Madden Football, this is not the article for you. If you’re a gal, like me, whose brain goes numb at the sound of AM sports radio, here are some pointers to avoid alienating that cutie football nut you’ve been scoping out.
Some might say, “Why the guide? Dudes just want a wet hole.” To you, I say, “Touché.” But this is about surviving past initial hole-matching and into Relationship-land, where Girlfriend and Sport must cohabitate. Read and learn:
CHEAT SHEET
Do Your Recon: The first way to get in your dude’s good graces is to discover “his team,” and then get a little basic schooling via Wikipedia so you’re not flying totally blind. This should be easy enough to identify: What’s that baseball cap he always wears? What’s framing his license plate? Are the Cubs on his Bank of America card? (Poor guy.) Which brings us to …
Knowing Winners Versus Losers: I don’t know much about baseball, but I know a few key things, like the Cubs always lose, the Yankees are assholes who wipe with hundred dollar bills, and fans from Boston are scary intense. When used in a fun, saucy way, this sort of information can make you seem like a cool chick who can hang for some beer ‘n wings. Teasing the Lakers, or Patriots, or Yankees is fair game; they’re still big winners. With a Cubs (or Mets, or Knicks, etc.) fan, don’t be a dick and tell him his team sucks, but also be careful not to lie –“Your team’s great!” will sound like snarky irony or ignorance. So what do you say? Don’t fret, ladies. The losing team fan can actually be a blessing in disguise.
Love the Loser: While remaining careful not to offend, you can forge bonds of long suffering with a fellow loser team lover: i.e. “Oh man, I feel you, I grew up in a house of Mets fans.”
You can also earn kudos if you learn the glory days of his team. i.e. “They were so great back in ’89!” (This is a fun trick when dating an older sports nut, because he can feel like he relates to you better, even though you watched that World Series from your Dad’s lap at age six.)
POTENTIAL MINEFIELDS!
Beware of trick questions your sporty dude may ask, which can majorly salt up your game:
“What team do you think I’m a fan of?” If the answer to this isn’t immediately apparent, beware! Guessing wrong can be a major offense depending on which wrong team you choose. For example, let’s say you live in L.A. When asked this question, do not say the Lakers. Big cities house lots of transplants, and if he’s from Boston (Celtics fan), you’re toast. Best bet, if you aren’t pretty darn sure of yourself, is to say the Chicago Bulls, because they used to be great but currently aren’t very offensive to anyone, and everyone loves Michael Jordan. (Even a silly girl like you would know him … you watched Space Jam!)
“What’s your favorite team?” If you liked sports, your passion for the game would jive with that of your man, and even if your teams were total rivals, you could have awesome angry sex on game day. But if you don’t really care, then it’s best to avoid drama. Remain neutral, or pick something inoffensive. As a New Yorker, it’s been a blessing to like our loser team (Mets) instead of the team everyone, except for New Yorkers, hates (Yanks). Most find it pathetically charming that I like a loser team, plus it helps me to relate to people from Boston, as I hate the Yankees (mutual dislike of a common enemy is almost as nice as both liking the same team). But Yankees fans only like each other. You know it’s true.
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A parting note: This guide’s been aimed at Americans, so be sure to brush up on your soccer if you’re into a European mister, or cricket if he’s Indian. You’ll be more likely to get a pass on the more foreign sports, but that’ll also make the little bit you do know all the more impressive to your fella, and it’ll show him you give a crap, and that’s always nice.
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Helpful! And to think I thought the only rule was don’t use those damn soccer air horns as a mating call…