There had to be rules, I arbitrarily decided.
2. They had to exist in the modern day. No characters from the future or the Old West. Technological parity.
3. I limited myself to characters from movies and television shows.
There are countless possible combinations of people, and the best team would really depend on the particular situation. So, let’s assume that this is the Alpha Team, the main team that deals with everyday calamities, and there is a larger pool that can be drawn from to deal with specific mission needs.
Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones, Jr.
The Boss Man: The brains of the operation, usually not at the front lines.
Okay, I’m stretching it a little. Yes, Indy was born in 1899, which would make him 112 years old in 2011. Buuut, I postulate that he was exposed to enough exotic energies throughout his adventures to give him a lengthened life span. I mean, come on, the dude was around the Ark of the Covenant AND he drank from the Holy Grail! So, the one-eyed, wheelchair-bound Jones leads the team from their underground HQ beneath Marshall College in Connecticut. His still-keen strategic mind, quick thinking and nearly a century of experience kicking ass and taking names make him a force to be reckoned with.
Jack Bauer from 24
The Hard Ass: The Boss Man’s right hand, usually takes care of the hands-on stuff and, as you can tell by the name, is sometimes a big asshole.
Dr. Jones brings Jack in from the cold after being on the run for a few years. He’s bitter and mistrustful, but he gets the job done. He leads the team when they go out into the field. He’ll probably end up getting framed and decide to lone wolf it instead of just talking to his friends, who would probably cover for him until they proved his innocence. But, NO, you just HAVE to do it on your own, don’t you, Jack!
Det. Lt. John McClane from The Die Hard Series
The Comic Relief (Also, often “The Heart of the Team”): The jokester who breaks the tension with their wacky antics and/or their sardonic wit. They often die a gruesome death.
Yippee Ki Yay, motherfucker! The man is back, spitting out quips and taking out bad guys. John McClane’s spunk and determination inspire his teammates, and they also admire his incredible knack for blundering into terrorist plots.
Angus MacGyver from MacGyver
The Science Geek: A science/techy inventor-type is uber-useful to build all kinds of cool gadgets and maybe even a headquarters for the team. Plus, they often coincidentally have medical knowledge and can double as “The Doctor.”
Need a bomb defused, and all you have is a toothpick and a shoelace? I’ve got your man. Everyone’s favorite intuitive engineer, MacGyver! Not only does he lead a team of scientists and engineers to develop equipment for the team, but he’s awesome in the field, figuring out oddball solutions to extreme situations.
Sydney Bristow from Alias
The Super Spy: This ultra-cool badass has a suitcase full of fake passports and can speak multiple languages. Equally comfortable in body armor and designer duds, they’re deadly and sexy.
You need to impersonate an Eastern European pop star with a meth habit? She can handle it. A novitiate nun from Sicily? She even speaks Latin. You need to storm a terrorist compound and rescue a hostage? She’ll fly the chopper. Who’s a bigger BAMF than Sydney Bristow? Well, her dad, Jack Bristow, the biggest badass to ever grace our television screens. R.I.P.
John Rambo from The Rambo Series
The Killing Machine: An unstable, emotionless or volatile soldier-type is highly useful to deal with icky situations, like taking out the trash and dealing with neighbors who won’t stop playing their reggae at 2am.
The stoic warrior is kinda awkward to have hanging around, but there’s no one you’d rather have next to you in a fight. The man is a machine of war: Unstoppable and merciless. Plus, he wears an awesome red headband.
Beatrix Kiddo, The Bride from Kill Bill
The Martial Artist: Any team worth its salt needs an awesome martial artist. ‘Nuff said.
A trained assassin and world-class fighter, The Bride is beautiful, mysterious and unstable. She, of course, enters into a torrid and emotionally bizarre affair with Rambo. She also has the ability to make everything go black and white on occasion.
Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Supernatural Element: Eventually, you’re gonna have to fight some ghosts. Or a vampire. You need someone who can cast a spell or smell evil or some shit like that. It comes in handy.
Heightened senses, strength, endurance, healing abilities, some psychic powers, incredible fashion sense … who wouldn’t want the Buffster on their team? Plus, she has access to a ton of magical lore and supernaturally-inclined peoples. Ironically, the diminutive Buffy is by far the strongest team-member physically, so she’ll quickly be annoyed by all the requests to help peeps move their furniture into the team’s swanky new HQ.
But, why would such a team need to be assembled? What threat would be great enough to necessitate such a gathering of heroes?
What if … a man thought to be a hero, a champion who defended his nation and the world from threats for years, suddenly turned on those nearest and dearest to him, and then fell off the grid?
What if that man, a highly trained operative with access to vast resources, suddenly reappeared, collecting the vilest scum on the planet? Breaking them out of prisons, stealing them away from criminal kingpins, forcing reformed villains into serving him.
Why has James Bond done this?
And who has he gathered to aid him in his secret quest?
Tune in next time, folks!
