We here at Comediva wonder, though: what would the Ultimate BAMF Heroine look like?
To answer that question, we decided to borrow from pre-existing ladies who hold degrees from The School of Kicking Ass and Taking Names, but not without a few alterations:
1. Start with Hermione Granger‘s head, for two reasons: a) her brains/good judgment; b) her bushy hair for added helmet-comfort.
Also, everyone and their mom knows Hermione was Harry and Ron‘s saving grace. I mean, the author had no choice but to incapacitate the bushy-haired BAMF in the second installment. If Hermione were left conscious, it would’ve only been ten pages long.
2. Add Elizabeth Bennet‘s mouth, for sass. Ain’t nobody got a sharper tongue than this lady, and what’s a good ass-whooping without a kick-ass quip?
3. Next comes the armor. Now, if you’ve seen any ’90s warrior-woman tv shows, or pretty much any image of a superheroine, you’ve noticed how impractically dressed they often are. Last time I checked, boobs weren’t impenetrable. And, as vast or tight as cleavage can be, the chances of an over-exposed bust catching an incoming arrow are pretty slim. Kristen Stewart’s outfit in the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman appears to be a vast improvement, but there’s still a bit missing down below. [Is that a skirt??] In fact, the only appropriately armored heroine who comes to mind is Éowyn, from Lord of the Rings. You know the one: “I AM NO MAN.”
4. Starbuck‘s heart. Sound strange? Follow along: the Battlestar character was known for her tomboyishness and mad flying skills, more than that, though, she had a fierce sense of loyalty and determination to finish the task at hand. And she did it better than the boys did.
5. Xena, Warrior Princess, has a couple of handy qualities: 1) her muscle; 2) her sexual ambiguity. The reason for the first is obvious, the second, too, if you think about it. How many times have we seen heroines with unlimited badass potential get thrown off at the first sign of romance? Even our beloved Buffy is guilty of this to some degree, and, the bottom line is, why is romance such an integral part of a heroine’s storyline? Can’t we just have a heroine who likes what she likes, lives devoid of labels, and is just a BAMFasexual?
6. On a related note, it would be pretty great to see a heroine who doesn’t feel obligated to fill one set of gender norms over another. Yeah, I’m talking about androgyny, and no warrior woman does androgyny quite like Ripley of the Alien saga. The part was originally written for a man — hence the less-ambiguous name — but at the end of the day, director Ridley Scott decided Sigourney Weaver was the only person who could play it right. Scott’s Alien and James Cameron’s Aliens pretty much work like classic Girl Power films, but with a twist: true, in many ways Ripley takes on so-called “butch” traits, but they only complement her maternal instincts. While everyone else says, “[So and so] uses her femininity to save the day,” as code for, “She uses her hottness to blahblah,” Ripley owns her “femininity” in a very different, way more badass way. She’s a real Mother-f*cker.
7. Probably the trickiest and most important aspect to a superheroine is her weapon of choice. When you think about it, most weapons that appear in major comic books, TV shows, and movies bear some semblance to, you know, the phallus. Guns, blades of any kind, arrows: all involve penetration of some kind. So what’s a weapon that’s all about the yonic? The kind of weapon a woman can whip out while crying, “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME KICK YOUR ASS!” The only one that comes to mind is a rope or lasso or noose of sorts — the kind Wonder Woman (and only Wonder Woman) wielded when fighting crime. Granted, WW’s Lasso of Truth wasn’t exactly meant to be used for violence, but, again, this is our fantasy, right? Let’s just change its name to Lasso of STFU and assume our Ultimate Superlady knows exactly how to use it, depending on the context.
8. Fighting skills make up another important attribute to cover. But whom do we go with? Buffy, or The Bride from Kill Bill? Let’s go with both. True, no one handles a blade like The Bride, but Buffy’s overall agility and ability to use any number of crazy weapons would definitely do some good. And in terms of just overall martial arts skills, The Bride is the only obvious choice. Throw in her fearlessness and irreverence and you’ve got yourself an unstoppable woman warrior.
And there you have it, folks: The Ultimate BAMF Heroine, as inspired by some of our favorite fictional ladies.
But if you think we left anyone or anything out, be sure to let us know down below in the comments section!
