So, you’ve figured out a way to hide a mini kebab grill under your summery linen coat. You’ll be shaving freshly cooked lamb meat and enjoying gyros before Bane even thinks about attacking Gotham, right? Wrong! You’ll need a blade of some sort to whittle your meal into bitesized chunks. Sharp knife plus Dark Knight plus dark theater equals blood everywhere. You’ll miss Batman’s heroics as you’re rushed to the emergency room due to a grizzly kebab-related injury.
A Stilton ‘N Lindburger Cheese Plate
Want to pack in an imported cheese plate to impress your sophisticated date during a showing of Moonrise Kingdom? Nothing says hoity-toity like fancy cheeses, right? Wrong. Forgo the pungent niblets or you’ll offend the entire theater with your epicurean stank. Eat some nachos. It’s OK if you order them ironically.
Sushi
Sushi is great. Sci-fi is great. Sushi during Prometheus should be super great, right? Wrong. Sneaking in food necessitates wedging it in close proximity to your body. Your body is hot (oh yeah) and will turn the raw fare into a gastrointestinal nightmare. You’ll soon wish that an alien will end your ailing caused by that fish.
Pork Vindaloo
So, you’ve scooped some of last night’s takeout Indian into a plastic baggie. You’re ready to catch a matinee of Snow White and the Huntsman and have some leftovers on the cheap. Discounted movie ticket. Free lunch. Great idea, right? Wrong. Unless you can hide a gallon of water under your shirt, you’ll be spending extra cash on a supersized soda to put out the fires of this ultra spicy dish that only gets hotter with age.
Jello Shots
Magic Mike looks like one sticky hot sexfest, so you might want a chilly beverage to cool off with during the flick. Note: Your date might need a drink to handle all the naked man ass, too. Kill two birds with one jello shot, right? Wrong. The unavoidable sound one makes when sucking down a delicious single-serve gelative drinky-drink is notoriously akin to noises made during other slurp-related activities. Don’t want to movie ushers to get the wrong idea and kick you out for indecency. So, stay on the safe side and just bring a flask o’ Jack.
Bananas Foster
Going to see Battleship? Hellz to the motherflippin’ yes! Get your Rihanna on! So, that’s certainly a movie that requires a badass flaming dessert, right? Alas, no. Whip out your dessert torch and you’ll have people yelling fire in a crowded theater. Even worse, you’ll find yourself getting wet under the fire sprinklers without an umbrella ella ella ay ay ay…
Psychedelic Toads
Going to see a showing of Brave and wanna get looped out of your gourd in order to better appreciate all of Pixar’s pretty landscapes, colors, and lights? Just lick a toad, right? Wrong. Ribbit-ing toads are way more annoying than beeping cellphones. Unlike smartphones, psychedelic toads don’t have a “silent” setting. And if yours does, then you’re probably already high and licking your iPhone, so never mind.
