We need someone who’s also been pushed to the brink, but who knows how to rise up from the ashes, triumphant and more popular than ever.
Someone like…. late night talk show host Conan O’Brien!
That’s right, the redheaded albino jokester would not only help to resurrect the U.S. to its former glory, but he’d also put together the most delightfully absurd group of people to head his presidential cabinet.
Here’s what Conan’s Presidential Cabinet would probably look like:
Vice President: Andy Richter
Andy Richter would be given the incredibly important responsibility of standing behind a lectern next to President Conan while the president made important speeches to the public. Every so often, the camera would pan over to Andy to catch his reaction to matters such as health care, foreign policy, and a presidential directive to protect the natural habitats of masturbating bears all over the country. Whenever the camera would land on him, Andy would smile, chuckle, make a brief, witty quip and then, afterward, collect his check for 55 million dollars.
Secretary of Education: Deon Cole
Deon Cole’s first order of business would be to change every history textbook in the country so that American history would be told entirely from the perspective of African-Americans. The American Revolution would be told from the point of view of an African slave, The Civil War would be told from the perspective of an African-American soldier fighting for The Union, the ’80s would be told from the perspective of Eddie Murphy’s brother, Charlie Murphy, while the rest of modern U.S. history would be told from the perspective of the black woman Ross briefly dated on Friends.
Secretary of Defense: Puppy Conan
Ten minutes after Al Qaeda terrorists would meet Puppy Conan, they’d surrender, call for peace, and then beg President Conan if they could keep him. President Conan would refuse their request and so the terrorists would be forced to return Puppy Conan — but not after the terrorists dressed Puppy Conan up in a pink bonnet and cuddled him for hours.
Secretary of The Interior: The Basic Cable Band
In order to encourage more people to visit the country’s national parks, The Basic Cable Band would hold live performances at each of the parks. To everyone’s delight, each performance would end with La Bamba stripping naked and having his rear end branded with the word ASS.
Secretary of State: Triumph The Insult Comic Dog
U.S. Secretary of State Triumph The Insult Comic Dog would ridicule and belittle Syria’s cruel dictator to the point that the dictator would burst into tears, cease to massacre his own people, and then turn himself into the international community for committing atrocious war crimes. Finally, in order to make absolutely sure that Syria’s dictator never returned to his evil ways, Triumph would dry hump his wife’s leg and then poop on him.
