– 98% of all Zombies are dead (uncited- safe guesstimate). This results in a nonfunctional brain which makes things like memory, analysis, and intelligence scientifically impossible. While you may think, “none of these qualities is necessary for college,” I would agree with you. Wait. Uh…next point.
Source: UBALTMagazine.com
– Being a Zombie is not legally recognized as a disability, so the living-impaired are not allowed extended time to take tests. Can you believe that? We live in a society where the colorblind can get note-takers, but a Zombie can’t get a flesh-free room where he/she can focus on their Shakespeare and the Plague exam. I, for one, am saddened to live in such a world.
– To make matters worse, there is such a stigma against Zombies that no one would be caught dead (bad pun) sharing notes with them. This only furthers their academic struggles. Which leads me to my next point.
– 87% of Zombies that attend college are on Academic Probation (The other 8% provide zombie erotic favors for their Japanese Studies professors). Why are so many on AP you ask? I believe it is a direct result of discrimination, lack of support, and maybe because they continually eat their peers — but is that really their fault?
Source: CanterburyPeople.co.uk
– Along with all of these academic pressures, Zombies suffer social consequences. Just because a Zombie has no appetite for Bud Light does not mean they should be ridiculed. So what if he can’t shot-gun a beer or down a vodka tonic? Can you eat an entire intestinal tract in one sitting? CAN YOU?!
Friends, I ask you — nay! — I BEG you to take a moment and put yourself in their fleshily challenged skin. Imagine the long, wobbly treks across campus. Imagine the fear and ridicule of all your peers. Guys, imagine the 24/7 rigor mortis that you could never hide. I think I really got you with that last bit. So today, send a letter to your Congressmen, start a Zombie-Support group on campus, and share your notes with that lonely looking Zombette in the corner of biochem (who tried her very best not to eat that cadaver in last week’s lab).
Until next time,
A Devoted Zombie Rights Activist.
