Clint is right: we need a president who’ll lead this country with the help of the smartest and brightest inanimate objects in the country.
Clint Eastwood is so right, we think he should be president. Think about it: not only would Clint Eastwood be a kick ass president, but he’d gather together a presidential cabinet filled with the most adept inanimate objects in American history.
A cabinet that would look like this:
Secretary of State: A sofa
As The Secretary of State, Sofa would provide a nice, comfortable, relaxing place for the world leaders to sit and converse. Sofa’s strategy would be to make world leaders get so comfortable on her that they would be forced to take mid-afternoon naps. While the world leaders slept, Sofa would give secret orders to their subordinates, securing manufacturing jobs for Americans back home, relaxing tariffs, and striking trade deals. When each world leader finally woke up, they’d have a stiff neck and would have no idea what hit them.
First order of business: Cover itself in bulletproof plastic to protect itself from attempted assassinations and daily wear and tear.
Secretary of Justice: A wardrobe
As Secretary of Justice, Wardrobe would help make marijuana legal all across the country, putting a dent in drug cartel profits south of America’s border. This would dramatically reduce crime and violence in Mexico, and lead Wardrobe to win The Nobel Peace Prize.
First order of business: Use all the prize money from her Nobel to finally get around to updating her old, 90’s style clothing to contemporary ’80s fashion.
Secretary of The Treasury: A bed
As Secretary of Treasury, Bed would provide a nice hiding place for the U.S. Treasury’s money. Sure, most of the money would be in the form of pennies—and would be covered in dust and gum wrappers—but it would remain perfectly hidden from American’s enemies. Finally, if Bed ever ran out of money to pay off America’s ballooning deficit, he could always raise more by auctioning off his hidden stack of vintage porn.
First order of business: Order the IRS to tax “Tooth Fairy” money acquired by the sons and daughters of the top 1%.
Secretary of Defense: A desk
As Secretary of Defense, Desk would be an incredibly fierce opponent for our greatest enemies. He’d torture our enemies by hiding the extra pens below a stack of papers they would never think to look under, and would make sure the printer ran out of ink just at the moment our enemies were running late to a Rage Against The Machine concert—
and needed to print out tickets for the show.
First Order of Business: Conveniently run out of Post-It notes right at the moment our enemies needed to write down a confirmation number for an over-the-phone purchase of “DEATH TO AMERICA” bumper stickers.
