Then: She teaches you the boxstep, which you do for hours behind her during your endless choreography rehearsals of a dance to C&C Music Factory, which you practice daily for months without ever performing for anyone.
Now: She teaches you to belly dance and how to spin poi, which she and her husband like to do in the backyard during big barbecue parties.
Then: As leader of the Unicorn Club, she explains, with authority, that unicorns live in the woods behind your house in the magical kingdom of Ishcombinki, and the food they live off of is rose petals and cream, which you regularly feed them in the garden.
Now: She explains, as an actual authority, the convoluted thing she studied in grad school, which you don’t understand, but feel excited about having a part in the “acknowledgements” in her dissertation.
Then: You play “orphans” during make-believe and find out how great one piece of Wonder Bread can taste when that’s “all the food you’ve had all week.”
Now: Having to actually buy your groceries now while being totally broke, she teaches you how to make a really great curry that winds up costing only 10 cents a serving.
Then: On the beach, she shows you how to make Witches’ Castles by dripping wet sand into cool creepy looking sculptures, and you spend hours making elaborate sand constructions.
Now: She shows you how to make eco-friendly recycled projects out of that infinite t-shirt collection you’ve amassed over the years.
Then: She teaches you the best party game, where everyone lies with their heads on someone else’s stomach and say “ha” until they start uncontrollably laughing.
Now: She teaches you the best way to properly enjoy an acid trip, which is to come prepared with a suitcase full of props to play with. The feather boa is key. That laughing game also might just start happening by accident.
Then: You do “light as a feather, stiff as a board” in the closet and play Ouija board at midnight and get totally freaked out.
Now: She teaches you all about the nurturing aspect of actual Wicca and female-centric pagan religion, which she’s been into since college. It’s not like The Craft at all, which is sort of a letdown.
Then: She comforts you on the fickleness of guys when you have your heart broken by your first love and reassures you there will be many others.
Now: She comforts you on the fickleness of yourself and hands you the book The Ethical Slut when you wonder if there are too many others.
