St. Patrick’s Day is here, and we all know what that means: time to break out the famous Krueger family recipe for Irish Soda bread! I’ve won multiple soda bread competitions with this recipe, including the Blue Ribbon prize at the 2009 Irish American Amateur Bake-Off, from which I have been subsequently banned, as my bread was so superior it was deemed impossible to have been produced by anyone less skilled than a consummate gourmet chef. And also, because I’m not Irish.
This recipe has remained a secret in my family for years … until today! Yes, that’s right, comedivas. To thank you, my dear readers, for helping us in our quest for comedic world domination, I am rewarding your loyalty with the sacred bond of trust that is divulging a secret recipe. Do NOT violate this trust.
Betty’s Irish Soda Bread
3 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 egg
2 cups buttermilk
1/4 cup melted butter
1. Preheat oven to 325° F. Grease a 9×5 inch loaf pan.
2. Combine dry ingredients. Blend the egg and buttermilk together. [If you substitute regular milk, I will track you down and remove your ovaries.] Add this to the flour mixture, mixing just until moistened. Stir in butter. Pour into pan. ***Don’t you even think about profaning the dough with raisins. Real Irish Soda bread does NOT contain dried fruit. You want raisins in your bread, you bake a cinnamon loaf. Troll.
3. Bake for an hour to 70 minutes, or until a skewer inserted in the bread comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack. Wrap in foil for several hours, or overnight, for best flavor. Understand? Don’t you f**king rush this. I mean, yes, the scent of baking bread ranks among the most intoxicating of scents known to man, but resisting temptation is key to forging an upstanding character. How do you think I graduated summa cum laude from Vassar and became the youngest graduate from Harvard to get her MBA and merit mention in Forbes magazine on ten separate occasions? It was NOT by prematurely scarfing down soda bread, my dears. As we all know, was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker1: We must suffer to become truly great, AND IF YOU DO NOT ALLOW THIS BREAD TO BECOME GREAT THROUGH TIME, YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME, YOURSELF, YOUR PROGENY AND WOMANKIND. YOU WANT TO SNACK OUT OF THE OVEN? TOO BAD. GO GET A WHEAT THIN, YOU WEAK, PATHETIC SLUG.
4. Serve sliced with butter, homemade jam or simply by itself! Enjoy!
Love,
Betty
1I refuse to believe that any reader of this website is unable to recognize a Nietzsche quote in its original German. However, on the chance that you somehow stumbled on our glorious site en route to your pedestrian MySpace page, that was “what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.” See? Comediva brings both laughs and edification.
