In the rest of the transcription Neytiri will speak on behalf of “Vitraya” or whatever her name is.
Amanda: First off, you are so pretty!! I mean, you sparkle so hard you make unicorns look boring. Anyway, there was a sex scene, in Avatar with Neytiri here, right under your branches. Were you an active participant or a voyeur?
Tree of Souls: I set the mood and then gave Neytiri instructions. Like a spiritual life coach.
Amanda: Kind of like a cult leader and a dom? I dig you.
Tree of Souls: What?
Amanda: It’s just like “I see you,” but better. So, you got to work with Sigourney Weaver. How was that?
Tree of Souls: It was great. She’s an amazing actress and very tall.
Amanda: Did she ever try to push any of that Activia crap on you?
Tree of Souls: You’re thinking of Jamie Lee Curtis.
After that show of professionalism, I moved on, to a Hollywood tree from The Happening. Neytiri came with me, because American trees are just as hard to understand.
Amanda: God, you are scary! Your name is Susan? I had no idea you were a chick.
Susan: Yes, nice to meet you. Don’t worry, people usually think I’m male.
Amanda: Wow, you’re so nice. I was terrified to talk to you.
Susan: Type casting. I’m a broad shouldered, gnarly chick. I’m not going to be cast as the Tree of Life.
Amanda: Your resume is impressive. What were your favorite roles?
Susan: Well, I have a thing for scaring boys.
Amanda: You and a lot of my friends… do you tell them you want to get married?
Susan: You are strange.
Amanda: I’m talking to a tree using an alien interpreter, that should be a given.
Susan: Well, I meant that I enjoyed my role as the creepy tree in Poltergeist. Although, Clown Doll was annoying. He always wanted to do pantomime between takes… not my jam. Ohhh, look I can act like a tree. BORING.
Amanda: I can see that. You were also the Womping Willow from Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and the Prisoner of Azkaban. How did you prepare?
Susan: I had to go on a diet and train to look like Willow. I worked for about eight months with a real Willow. After the films came out, she claimed that she was the primary Willow in the film, but I assure you I did my own stunts. Ninety percent of the film was me. I beat up the car and worked with the boys. She was only my double in distant shots.
Amanda: Blood is pouring from my eyeballs. Is this some weird M. Night Shyamalan twist?
Susan: Indeed. You are the tree and I am you.
I got the hell out of there, dumped Neytiri and went to see Treebeard, a nice, English speaking Ent from Lord of The Rings. Treebeard picked me up and
Photo Source: tuckborough.net squished me.
Treebeard: I need to speak to the Entmoot. We will decide if you are an orc.
Amanda: I’m not an Orc!! I’m Human. I wanted you to tell me your side of filming The Lord of the Rings.
Treebeard: I have no side.
Amanda: You’re going to kill me. Um, how do you feel about Arbor Day?
Treebeard: I don’t see the point. They come with fire, they come with axes… gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers. But, I suppose it has its merits.
Amanda: You’re a downer.
Treebeard: We must weather such things as we have always done.
Amanda: What?
Treebeard: It takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. We never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say, young orc.
Amanda: I’m not an orc!
Treebeard: Don’t be hasty, we have time to discuss.
Amanda: No, actually, I’m running out of oxygen. God, why did the hobbits put up with you?
Treebeard: Eh, I’ll come through for you in battle.
And then I died… or was I already dead? Oh eff you, M. Night Shyamalan!!
****
Thanks for risking your life for such important interviews, Amanda!