a) Secretly train and organize your friends into an army to fight for truth, justice and the wizarding way!
b) Kick ass and take names! Fight your way through her guards, Kool-Aid your way through the door and show that ho’ what’s up!
c) Slip into her compound, silent and undetected, make your way through the ventilation system to her offices, and cut off her f**king head, before vanishing into thin air.
d) What can you do? Bad stuff happens all the time, you’ve just got to keep your head down and take care of who you can.
e) Send a “100% genuine” pic of the bureaucrat’s very intimate involvement with a cabal of looners. FYI: Looners are people who are sexually attracted to balloons, not moon worshippers or collectors of Canadian money.
f) The weight of your tears make you fall down to the ground, for a very long time. Eventually, someone else will take care of it.
2. The powerfully seductive vampire Dracula has cornered you and has his eyes on the prize: your NECK! What do you do?
a) Accio garlic!
b) Take a swing! Go mano-a-mano with the Lord of the Vampires, and let’s see who’s still standing afterwards!
c) Your will is far too strong for any of that hypnotic mumbo-jumbo, and doesn’t decapitation kill vampires…?
d) Hmm, two arrows make a pretty nice cross. Then, barricade yourself in the closest home. He’s never getting an invite inside, you’re not the sociable type.
e) First, you have sex with Dracula. He’s pretty hot, and it’s been a while. Then, you run to the other side of that nearby creek, because everyone knows that vampires can’t cross running water. Not that you believe in vampires. That would be absurd.
f) Succumb.
3. That damn kid didn’t stay in the house again, and now you’re backed into a corner, surrounded by a horde of ravenous, shambling zombies! What do you do?
a) You notice the old, torn bags of concrete mix on the rickety scaffolding above the undead throng, and all it takes is one shove to rain it down into the ankle-deep water they’re standing in. Presto! Instant immobulus, no muss, no fuss!
b) Nobody puts baby in the corner! Grab the nearest zombie, tear off its head, and beat the other ones to a gooey, decomposing pulp with its flailing, headless corpse. Woot!
c) Drop your center of gravity, and start slicin’ and dicin’! Cornered by brainless, slow-moving zombies? Please.
d) Smash the closest zombie in the skull with your bow and get some distance. Now, it’s time for target practice!
e) You have no frame of reference for dealing with reanimated corpses. This does not compute. Luckily, you have a gun. Headshots FTW!
f) Cry really hard.
4. Outnumbered and outgunned, you try to escape your enemies by climbing a big ol’ tree. Always a wise choice! The bad guys decide to chill out and wait for you to fall or starve to death. What else did you think was gonna happen? You’re up a tree! What do you do?
a) Recite Alberic Grunnion’s famously impassioned speech about how only through banding together can we rise up against our oppressors and regain control of our existence. When everyone falls asleep and/or wanders away from boredom, climb back down and walk away.
b) Forget this tree B.S.! Hop on down to the ground, and lay the smackdown on those fools! Outnumbered? Outgunned? Pshaw!
c) Outwait them, because you’re one patient bitch.
d) Saw through an enormous branch with a little serrated knife, all without disturbing too many of the highly poisonous insects that are nesting on it. Nah, that’s crazy and impossible! You’d probably just die.
e) Pretend to surrender and trick your pursuers into keeping you alive. Wait for your opportunity to escape, fly the coop, then plot a diabolically intricate revenge!
f) Cry really, really hard!
5. An evil tycoon, whose power and wealth put him above the law (natch!), has gleefully destroyed the reputation of your one-and-only friend. What do you do?
a) Write an article condemning the tycoon and proclaiming your friend’s innocence, and collect signatures on a petition. If only more people collected signatures … imagine the possibilities!
b) Track down the tycoon and punch him in the face repeatedly until he confesses AND gives you 2 billion Euros! Yeah! That’s the ticket!
c) Who gives a f**k about reputation? At least you’re still breathing.
d) Stay off the tycoon’s radar and promise to make sure your friend’s family doesn’t starve.
e) Infiltrate his “secure” computer system and get tons of dirt on him. While you’re in there, “borrow” 2 billion Euros.
f) Confront that mean tycoon and whine at him until he calls the cops just to get away from you!
6. Your werewolf ex’s family has decided that your unborn child is an abomination, and cannot be allowed to live. They’re getting ready to storm your new hubby’s pad and get extremely pro-choice on your ass! What do you do?
a) You would never consort with a werewolf. Things never end well for men who turn into animals.
b) Preggers or not, it’s ass-kicking time! “Get away from her, you bitches!” is your maternal war-cry as you descend upon the wolfpack. Yay, everybody’s getting a fur coat for Christmas!
c) Surrounded and about to give birth, things are looking bleak. You find a defensible spot, draw your sword, and prepare for a last stand. You’ll take as many of those cartoonishly enormous beasts with you as possible!
d) It’s over, Anakin. You have the high ground! Sit up on the roof, and pick them off as they approach.
e) Grab all the silverware in the house, and toss it in the furnace. Pull out your trusty P-83 Wanad semi-automatic pistol, it’s silver bullet time!
f) Let those mean wolves know that your ex is now in love with your baby. That’ll solve everything.
Mostly As: Magic Wand
You have a supple wrist and an exceedingly excellent memory. Well, you had better have a great memory, because if you forget the spell, that one-of-a-kind Thestral tail-feather wand won’t do much more than poke the villain in the eye. Hey! Be careful where you point that thing!
Mostly Bs: Wooden Stake
Wow, you’re one strong bitch! It’s not easy driving a stick through a bunch of muscle and bone, so major muscleage is required. That, and being crazy enough to fight things that need to be stabbed in the heart by wooden objects in the first place.
Mostly Cs: Katana
Heads literally roll wherever you go. You remain calm enough in absolutely bug-f**k crazy situations to swing around a three foot long razor-sharp sword without cutting off any of your own important bits. You don’t mind getting up close, personal, and pretty dirty. Even though it’s a total pain to scrub zombie gut stains out of your poncho, the joy of slicing up an undead S.O.B. more than makes up for it!
Mostly Ds: Bow and Arrow
You have awesome hand-eye coordination and prefer to stay out of the fray and strike from a distance. You’ll totally need that badass aim to score a direct hit on a moving target. And the emotional distancing will keep that pesky PTSD at bay!
Mostly Es: Information
You’re smart, manipulative, and always have an endgame in mind. You have no problem getting your hands a little dirty, as long as you’re totally in control, that is. Usually though, you prefer to expose your enemies’ deepest, darkest secrets, and destroy them in ironic ways.
Mostly Fs: Emotions
You’ve honed your hyperdramatic emo-ness into a devastating tsunami of annoyance that can render anyone (especially reeeeaaaaally old dudes, or werewolf kinda-sorta boyfriend/son-in-laws) into a dazed fool who inexplicably risks all to protect you. You are to be admired … and feared!
