Case in point? When I related the BJC theory to a former boyfriend, he responded: “Oh… ‘Baby Jesus’… like because a lot of men are too selfless or they try too hard to be great leaders?” Not exactly.
Well, fellas, if your own mamas won’t tell you the awful truth, Single White Females certainly will. Gentlemen, below you will find The Top 5 Things Women Want You to Know…But Are Too Afraid to Tell You. Secreti Revealium!
We Liked You Better Before the Haircut
Source: prensacorazon.com
Remember when your hair was long? Thick? Effortlessly coiffed? You were nearing the less greasy version of Ethan Hawke circa Reality Bites, but then…BAM! You had to go and buzz it, transforming yourself into Ethan circa now: hairless and in desperate need of a sandwich (seriously, can someone get that man a protein shake?).
You Need to Stop Quoting Movies & TV
“Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh, really, fool?” THANKS. We saw Billy Madison. 10 years ago. And yes, we’re mildly impressed (read: disturbed) by your ability to recount the dialogue so faithfully, but quite frankly, all we can think about when you’re spouting off Adam Sandler quotes is what else that brainpower could have been used for. One idea: anything. Oh, and if you’re going to quote the movie, at least do his voice right. We might own BM on DVD.
Your Karaoke Choices Are Screaming for a Makeover
Source: TheLifeOfM.com
“Stairway to Heaven.” The instrumental section. Need we say more?
We Know You Crush On Lady Gaga
Source: NYDailyNews.com
All right, we get it. You’re afraid to admit that you dig a gal who dresses as a dude, wears a meat dress, and sometimes sports hooves instead of shoes. But the whole tranny argument? So transparent. You want some of that Mother Monster. Just say it.
Your Body Is Weird
Source: BestofVegas.com
To this day we still don’t understand who is filling the seats at those Chippendales shows. 10 adult males scampering around in tuxedo cuffs and fake satin thongs?! Yuck. It is a known fact that the male body is not aesthetically pleasing. Okay, yes, the upper half can be downright delicious, but let’s face it: the lower half will always be…dangly. Not meant to be put on prominent display. Why do you think painters always covered Adam’s nether regions with a fig leaf? So Gentlemen, we ask, nay, beg of you: when the time comes, please withhold the striptease and just jump swiftly into bed. Frankly, if it were up to us, lovers would still use those sheets with holes in them à la “Like Water For Chocolate.” Not really. But would it hurt you to be ashamed of your body like everybody else?
We hope you’ve learned something, Baby Jesuses. What we tell you, we tell you with love. And if it’s any consolation, Single White Females has often been accused of having a “Baby Judas Complex,” which (we’ve been told) is much, much worse.
XO,
SWF
