1. Join a sorority!California is full of hippies, and where there are hippies, there are Vegans! Vegans are people who pretty much only eat nuts and berries, and drink lots of things that taste like grass and look like poop. With that diet, you won’t want to consume anything — plus, you’ll have access to organic marijuana (organic means “no pesticides”).
3. Join a politically active group on campus!
You’ll meet tons of over-zealous, adrenaline pumped, irrational 19-year-olds who will eventually organize a random food fast. This is your chance to starve yourself while making a point — even if you don’t really have one.
4. Get a work study position in the dining hall!
College dining hall cuisine is filled with ambiguous ingredients and starch — after serving the University’s mystery mac and cheese blend for three days, you’ll be turned off to carbs and beef for at least four and a half weeks.
5. Attend Brown University!
Brown is equipped with one of the best Women’s Rugby teams in the U.S., and Rugby is no joke. You thought running from the 5-0 after stealing those lawn ornaments from your neighbors’ house was challenging? Wait till you’re dodging the 170 pound winger who’s just mauled your left hooker — hope you brought your knee pads!
6. Play Beerpong!
You’ll get stuck drinking so much beer, by the end of the night (or morning, depending how you roll) you’ll be puking up every unnecessary calorie that you’ve consumed within the past 24 hours. Plus, you’ll feel so sick the next day that you won’t be able to stomach anything except water. It’ll be like a detox, but cheaper.
7. Fall in love!
Every college romance ends in heartache and it’s up to you to see the glass as being half full. After being dumped, you’ll feel so insecure and vulnerable that you won’t want to eat for at least a week — depending on whether or not you put out.
8. Starve yourself!
Tons of people have eating disorders, why not try it?
9. Make friends with international students!
International students are always thinner than Americans, so hanging out with them will be a constant reminder of America’s obesity problem. And since you hate conforming to American stereotypes (and you’re nothing like your younger cousin Harriet, who your mom’s always making you hang out with), you’ll be fully committed to acting like a skinny bitch at all times.
10. Exercise!
This can be a tricky option but works great on self-motivated, but slightly boring people.
[*Editor’s Note: Head’s up, ladies! It’s Miseducation Week and we’re spreading some bad advice in every article on the site. So, if it wasn’t clear, taking on an eating disorder to fit in is BAD ADVICE. Comediva likes to encourage healthy body image and healthy exercise and eating habits, hence, the irony of this article. Eat, ladies. We command you to enjoy your cupcake! Nom nom nom.]
