Hollywood is sick today. As the general public is endlessly entertained by celebrity’s crazy antics and extravagant personalities, we often overlook obvious psychological issues. Thankfully, I have a degree in Nursing and Health Care from Phoenix University*, so I am more than qualified to diagnose these troubled celebrities and hopefully urge them to seek help.
Case: Lady Gaga
Diagnosis: Dissociative Identity Disorder
We are all familiar with Lady Gaga’s extravagant costumes. However, we often fail to realize the deeper meaning behind the pop star’s crazy getups: Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, or Lady Gaga, or whatever her name is, is suffering from an acute case of Dissociative Identity Disorder (a.k.a. multiple personality disorder). When Gaga arrived at the GRAMMYs encased in a manmade egg, she was simply acting out her unborn fetus personality. When the pop star wore a dress made of meat to the VMAs, she was actually in the throes of her slaughtered cow identity. Because we repeatedly mistake the singer’s psychotic episodes for artistic expression, Lady Gaga has yet to receive proper medical attention.
Case: Oprah Winfrey
Diagnosis: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Oprah is everywhere we look. On our television, magazine racks, the judgmental voice in our heads as we open that second sleeve of chocolate chip cookies. Some say she has a knack for branding and marketing. I say she has a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Winfrey dictates what her fans should eat, read, and watch by slamming her Oprah-approved stamp on it, because — duh — what Oprah says goes. The talk show star’s cultish following of middle-aged women choose to interpret Oprah’s blatant self-centeredness as genuine interest in her audience’s life. This vicious cycle of monkey-see monkey-do has allowed Oprah’s narcissism to snowball out of control, making this problem too massive for even the most qualified medical professionals.
Case: Johnny Depp
Diagnosis: Schizophrenia
The unpredictable and cunning Jack Sparrow, the deeply disturbed Mad Hatter, the peculiar and eccentric Willy Wonka… a man with scissors for hands. Johnny Depp is often lauded for his quirky performances, but the common thread among his characters is never addressed — the actor only ever plays psychologically deranged personalities, who seem to suffer from mental disorganization or delusions, or both. Coincidence? Or an intricate scheme to pass Depp’s schizophrenia as performing art? I argue the latter.
Case: Beyonce Knowles and Gwyneth Paltrow
Diagnosis: Mutual obsession
It has recently come to the media’s attention that superdiva Beyonce Knowles and actress Gwyneth Paltrow are growing quite close. Perhaps too close for comfort. However adorable and innocent this relationship may seem, it’s apparent that Knowles and Paltrow have watched Freaky Friday at one too many A-List slumber parties. My medical analysis reveals that Knowles and Paltrow are dangerously obsessed with one another, and are even trying to swap identities. Paltrow has stated that Beyonce is “the most talented human being on the planet” and has tried to emulate her by taking a singing role in Country Strong and guest starring on Glee. Beyonce, on the other hand, has publicly admitted her quest to become Gwyneth Paltrow, stating “She is what I strive to be.” Beyonce has taken the first step in physically morphing into her BFFA(nd)E(ver)A(nd)E(ver) by dying her hair platinum blonde. This is a girl crush gone too far. Medical intervention is absolutely necessary. It’s only a matter of time before Paltrow releases a cover of “Single Ladies” and Beyonce names her first-born child “Pear.”
Case: Rebecca Black
Diagnosis: OCD
We’re all too busy making fun of Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” to notice the cry for help in this poor girl’s lyrics. Black clearly has a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. “Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal,” Black HAS to do all of these things. In the medical world, we call this compulsive behavior. “Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushing,” Black experiences great angst during her morning routine. “Friday, Friday, gettin’ down on Friday / Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend.” Repetition is a textbook symptom of OCD. Black is in need of some serious mental rehabilitation (sorry you have that song in your head now).
Voice your thoughts and concerns, or seek general medical advice, in the comments below!
[*Editor’s Note: The author’s claim that she has a degree from Phoenix University may or may not be true. You’ve been forewarned, Gaga.]
