Thank you from the very bottom of my super-tight, glitter jeans for everything you have ever done for me.
Thank you for not getting mad at me the first time I met you at that gay bar and I mistook you for the hot, young newbie
I was gonna hook up with. You were totally rocking that fauxhawk, by the way.
Thank you for not constantly mentioning—after I told you about all my ex-boyfriend drama—that you’ve been in a wonderful committed relationship with
Sarah for10 years. You’re sooo lucky. Why can’t we all meet the girl of our dreams in “Theater Lighting Design 101”?
Thank you so much for letting me stay at your apartment that time I lost my job and couldn’t afford my rent. You fed me delicious vegan food every day, taught me how to plant my own vegetables in your local community garden, and prepared a daily assortment of vitamins that doctors recommend men my age should take.
Thank you for the times when you and Sarah would stare at me and comment on my beautiful skin tone, my asymmetrical face, and the way that my dark chestnut eyes matched my dark chestnut hair.
Thank you for that lovely day when we were all sitting around watching Ellen, and you and Sarah both turned to me and asked if I’d like to add to your little family.
Thank you for embracing me when I shouted: “Yes!”
I couldn’t believe that you and Sarah saw me as an adopted son. It was a wonderful feeling.
After that day, you and Sarah became like mothers to me. Actually, you were better than mothers: you gave me
free gay porn! I can’t believe you even went out of your way to give me a little, plastic container to help clean up my “messes” from watching all that free gay porn. Every time I was done, you would always volunteer to take care of the container yourself. “Thank you,” I would say. “But I can clean up fine on my own.”
free gay porn! I can’t believe you even went out of your way to give me a little, plastic container to help clean up my “messes” from watching all that free gay porn. Every time I was done, you would always volunteer to take care of the container yourself. “Thank you,” I would say. “But I can clean up fine on my own.”
When you asked if you could have my “seed” in exchange for your “egg,” thank you for understanding me when I said “No.” I told you I had planted all my seeds when I was with Julio in the community garden the other night, and that, to tell you the truth, eggs make me gag.
When Christmas came, and I told you guys that you could ask me for ANYTHING, thank you for leaving a turkey baster on my nightstand with this note:
“Please. It would mean the world to us.”
“Please. It would mean the world to us.”
How could I have been so insensitive? You and Sarah had been taking care of me, and it was time for me to give you something in return: the most precious gift anyone could ever give you.
Thank you for those looks of amazement when I finally pulled out that roasted turkey on Christmas Eve and basted it with the same baster you gave me. You were so impressed by the turkey you didn’t even eat it. You just stared at it in utter disbelief. And as I carved the turkey and began eating it myself, you gasped with delight.
I’m sorry I didn’t realize it earlier: you and Sarah had been vegan all these years, and you felt like you were missing out on a “meat-eater” Holiday tradition!
Thank you for finding me an apartment of my very own the next day.
Since I moved out, we haven’t been as close as we used to be. But don’t sweat it. I totally understand. You and Sarah are going through a lot right now. (Menopause must be hard when it’s squared.)
In the meantime, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being my flannel-loving girl and thank you for letting me be your boy.
Don’t worry about me. I can make it fine on my own. I heard about this clinic where guys can donate their sperm for MONEY. Can you believe it?
I go there so much the lesbian nurse already knows my name. Oh, and GET THIS: yesterday, I found out that lesbian nurse isn’t even a lesbian! He’s a hot, young newbie with a fauxhawk who I’m totally hooking up with later tonight.
Love ya. Forever.
Bitch.
Sincerely,
Your Gay Best Friend
****
Lesbians around the world will relate!