Thank you, Mama, for telling me when I was young that we are all born superstars. Then you rolled my hair and put my lipstick on in the glass of your boudoir.
“There’s nothin’ wrong with loving who you are,” you said, ” ’cause He made you perfect, ba—”
No, wait. That’s a Lady Gaga song.
I think what you did when I was young was tell me to stop watching Will & Grace because you were afraid it would turn me gay.
Thank you for telling me that. Because you were totally right. Today, because of Will & Grace, I did turn gay and since then, I’ve had four boyfriends–only one of which I told you about. (Remember the guy I told you was my “roommate”?)
Thank you for having terrible gaydar when I was growing up. It helped me avoid some of the pressure of coming out when I wasn’t ready yet. When I was a kid, you turned a blind eye when I asked to try on one of your dresses; and then again, when I was a teenager and asked you to buy me ballet shoes; and then again in college, when I told I was too busy fulfilling prerequisites to have a girlfriend. Wait. WHAT? REALLY? YOU DIDN’T KNOW I WAS GAY? HOW BLIND WERE YOU?
After college, when I finally came out to you, thank you for saying that you loved me and that your only concern was that you had no money to pay for my gender reassignment surgery. When I explained that being gay and being transgender were two different things, thank you for taking down those fundraiser flyers all around town that read:
“RAISING MONEY FOR MY SON’S NEW VAGINA. CALL 555-HIM-2SHM TO DONATE.“
Thank you for volunteering to learn more about gay issues by watching Prayers for Bobby with me. It was a wonderful moment between mother and son — up until the part where the guy playing “Bobby” in the movie asked the car repairman to service him. After I pressed “STOP” on the TiVo, thanks for accepting my apology.
Who knew they had made a gay porn version of Prayers for Bobby called Prey for Bobby? After you left, I was so outraged that I called the cable company and yelled at them for sending a dirty movie to my cable box the day before I asked it to be sent to me.
As the years passed, thank you for asking me for my opinion on high fashion, home décor, and upscale cuisine. After all, who needs a straight son who smells like corn chips and doesn’t know how to wash his own underwear, when you can have a gay son who has real taste?
Thank you so much for going out of your way and contacting Ricky Martin to see if he would date me. To our great surprise, Ricky Martin’s people responded—and by his “people” I mean that Puerto Rican woman you go to dance class with — unfortunately, she said, Ricky Martin already has a boyfriend.
Thanks for praying to the Catholic Saints for Ricky and his boyfriend to have a huge falling out with each other. But don’t you think that’s the wrong way to go about it?
I mean, shouldn’t you… you know… pray to the Virgin Mary instead? She is the Mother of God , after all. She would have the most influence out of anybody. Think, Mama, think!
But don’t worry about me being single, Mama.
I love a boy. His name is Alejandro. He’s hot like Mexico, rejoice. At this point, I gotta choose, nothing to lose. Don’t call my name. Don’t call my name, Alejandro–
No, wait. That’s another Lady Gaga song.
No, to tell you the truth, I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of gay guys looking for a long-term relationship. It’s so bad out there, I’m actually thinking about becoming a lesbian.
You wanna fundraise for my new vagina?
Love ya. Forever.
Bit—I mean… Mom.
Sincerely,
Your Gay Best Son
****
Ah, Will & Grace, gaying up the planet long before Glee made its debut.
LOL! Made my sad, nutmeg-filled day 🙂