Happy Holidays, Harry Potter nerds the world over! Being that each book of the series set aside at least one chapter just for Christmas, what could be more appropriate than a good old HP nerdgasmfest? If there’s one thing J.K. Rowling was sure to establish throughout the Harry Potter series it’s the idea that, though they’re capable of doing magic, and live in a secret universe all their own, witches and wizards, at their cores, are human.
This means one thing: they’re capable of both giving and getting really disappointing Christmas presents. Here’s how we imagine a not-so-magical Harry Potter Christmas!
Harry
NEEDS: New spells.
In all seven books, Harry seemed to master just two: Expelliarmus and Expecto Patronum. Sure, every now and again he accio’d or engorgio’d, but rarely ever without Hermione’s bidding (or without undesirable consequences). Let’s teach him a lesson.
GETS: A hand-knitted Weasley sweater with the Deathly Hallows symbol on the front, or, better yet, a not-so-subtle hint about popping out grandkids. And from Ginny, a Groupon for getting that Hungarian Horntail tat she always wished he had.
Hermione
Hermione’s reaction to Magic In the Bedroom’s “Position #394.”
NEEDS: One night of debauchery, devoid of the judgment of others.
In other words: a vacation. Without this sass-tastic know-it-all, and given Harry’s and Ron’s complete dependence on her, it’s no wonder Hermione was so high-strung all the time. Let’s give her a case of her own Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey and let her have at it like the frankenskank we know must be hiding under all them brains (and hair).
GETS: Magic In the Bedroom (from Ginny), a hand-knitted Weasley cat sweater for Crookshanks, a nice quill from Harry…
And from Ron, Clueless Hubby Extraordinaire, a flat-iron and lacy lingerie: to the whole lot of which she immediately cast blue fire before depulso’ing some heavy books right into his special wand parts.
Ron
Exhibit A.
NEEDS: Yoga lessons.
Hey, we all saw that pot-belly of his at the end of the final movie instalment. Also, that one seemingly U-No-Poo-inspired expression that’s become his signature face. Yoga lessons would not only help him tone down the tummy and balance out one too many butterbeers, it would also bring some zen into his life, thereby allowing him to relax his face and maybe even take a whack at a new one.
GETS: Magic In the Bedroom: The Illustrated Edition (from Harry), a hand-knitted sweater featuring the Battle of Hogwarts and the words “Hey! You helped a little!”, and from Hermione, a clue.
Luna
NEEDS: Her own show on Animal Planet.
The other option considered was psychotherapy, however, Luna’s charm is her eccentricity, no? So let’s give her an outlet for her unique take on the world every week, on a new show called Must Love Nargles.
GETS: A nice bookcase from the Granger-Weasleys, which she took apart to use the planks of wood in her Nargle-Watching boat. All in all, it was a very nice Christmas, actually.
Voldemort
Source: louisecriss.tumblr.com
NEEDS: A hug.
As shown by what can now only be referred to as The Hug That Stopped Time toward the end of Deathly Hallows Part 2, You-No-Hug’s really only ever been after some one-on-one nuzzle-time.
Who knows? Happiness is a warm hug; maybe if someone had had the good sense to train him in the art of The Snuggle, he wouldn’t have grown up to be such a douche.
Also, a nose job might resolve some deep-rooted self-image issues.
GETS: A ritual animal sacrifice.
Bellatrix’s manner of showing affection is the definition of Lestrange. As Voldemort’s obsessive, needy wannabe baby-mama, she really went bludgers-to-the-wall when picking out the best way to win Voldemort’s vacuous chest-hole.
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Love A Harry Potter Christmas? Check out Hermione’s Christmas Greeting!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8TxRLhU46o
