Be Better Than the People Who Wait in Line: A Guide to Getting Awesome for the L.A. Club Scene
By Scarlet
The L.A. club scene can be cold, dismissive, and difficult to navigate. No one wants to spend two hours waiting in line, while your heels develop blisters and the smoggy air clogs your pores! But there are always some girls who manage to bypass the line. What’s their secret? God-given good looks? Friends with the bouncer? Unlikely! The only girls who get the walk right into the club are the ones who really prepare for the scene, adjusting their bodies and their lives to become the epitome of the hot club girl. To follow in their footsteps, check out my quick and easy steps to club going success:
1. Work It Out
If you are a regular human with a regular human’s body, you probably aren’t ready for the club. Ladies, you need to obtain multiple gym memberships. At least one where you’ll run into a healthy amount of celebrities. Remember, in shape is not the same as toned, just like a a role in a student film isn’t the same as a national commercial spot.*
3-4 months before going to the club
2. Please Don’t Stop The Music
Prepare for the club by learning all the Top 40 singles the DJ is likely to play. Some of these songs are sung/rapped by men who just want to have sex with your body, not talk to your brain, but that’s okay because there are an equal number of songs sung by women about how they just want men to have sex with their bodies.
Research the club’s regular DJs and check out their mixes. This might sound time consuming, but you can do it when you should be working. You don’t want to be the only one still grooving when the rad DJ does his signature move: dropping the beat halfway through “Party Rock Anthem.”
2-3 weeks before going to the club
3. You’ve Gotta Spend Money To Look Pretty
You should probably drop somewhere between $200 and $2,000 on new clothes for each club night.
Get your hair blown out. Get a mani-pedi. Go to the Korean Spa and get a scrub — it might sting a little bit while your skin is rubbed raw to remove all your imperfections, but your skin will glow for a whole week.
1-2 Days Before Going To The Club
4. The Big Night Arrives
If you’ve done all your prep work, the day of your big night out should be an absolute breeze. Squeeze yourself into your dress and pop on those 10-inch stilettos. Your knees and feet might ache for a week after a few hours in those things, and you might look like a giraffe with broken legs trying to dance in them, but they’ll make your calves and butt look awesome.
That’s it! Congratulations! If you’ve followed my instructions to the letter, you are club-ready. If you’ve dismissed any of my advice, well, I guess I’ll see you at the back of the line when I’m leaving you in my dust.
[*Editor’s Note: Head’s up, ladies! It’s Miseducation Week and Scarlet’s pretty good at spreading some bad advice. Comediva likes to encourage healthy body image and healthy exercise and eating habits, hence, the irony of Scarlet.]
