Hello, fellow Comedivas! I interrupt what I’m sure is a very long and productive work day to bring you a very important — perhaps one of the most vital pieces — of advice I could ever offer: when you succeed… NEVER PLAY THE MODEST CARD AND HIDE THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR. Many people mistake modesty for so-called “good sportsmanship,” but, dearest friends, there is NOTHING MORE SELF-DEGRADING THAN BETRAYING THOSE YEARS YOU SPENT UNDER THE MAN’S THUMB, WORKING YOUR ASS OFF AT FOUR JOBS, LIVING COMPLETELY DEVOID OF A SOCIAL LIFE, BEING RESTRICTED TO ONLY THE LIMITED JOYS A BATTERY-OPERATED STOCKING-STUFFER BRINGS [A STOCKING YOU STUFFED YOURSELF, BY THE WAY], ALL IN THE SERVICE OF FINALLY SHOWING UP ALL THOSE HIGH SCHOOL ASS-HOLES WHO REJECTED MY DRIVE AND SUPER-TIGHT HAIR-BUN.This pick of mine is a perfect example of that career-driven mentality, as Ralphie’s dad from the Christmas Cult Classic revels in the pure majesty of his hard work and flips all who question his taste and even try to belittle his triumph the proverbial bird.
So, when you all sit around with your families this holiday season, and especially your hard-to-please in-laws, remember this: SOMEDAY YOU’LL PROVE THEM ALL WRONG AND BE ABLE TO WITHHOLD INVITATIONS TO YOUR HARD-EARNED MANSION. Also, you joined the NRA for a reason.
Happy holidays!
