Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: You’re destined for greatness at the sex party you’ve been invited to this weekend in the Land of Mordor. You do have, after all, the One Cockring to rule them all.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Things get awkward when your Vulcan coworker accidentally mindmelds with you and discovers the nasty sexting you’ve been doing during conferences. Luckily, the mindmeld goes both ways, so you’ve got plenty of leverage should he decide to tattle. Live long and cross-dress, eh?
Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: “Sticks and stones may break my bones” … unless you have an adamantium skeleton. In that case, sticks and stones don’t do shit, but when someone makes fun of you for being short, it makes you grumpy for days, bub.
Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: The mystery behind your malfunctioning garbage disposal is solved when you discover it is actually a very small and passive aggressive Decepticon.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: You like to think of yourself as a lone wolf, but you should be grateful for your fellow man. Though you love to sequester yourself with WoW, you can’t play MMORPGs without the “multiple players” part … that would just be MORPG, which is silly.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: This week holds many challenges, some even more daunting than the Kobayashi Maru. But you’re cool under pressure: you’ll get through it with your natural problem-solving abilities, leadership, and charm. And then you’ll get laid by a sexy humanoid alien. All in a day’s work.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: You’re wrestling with jealousy this week. Or was that gamma radiation? At any rate, keep the green monster at bay, or you’ll ruin those awesome jeans you love when you’re PMSing.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: With great power comes great responsibility. So next time you websling a sex hammock, don’t forget to wrap it up: spiders have like, thousands of babies at a time, and you can’t afford that child support.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Somehow you’ve been sucked into your Macbook and now your Tron App is trying to help you defeat the MCP. But really, you just ate shroom chocolate while playing Pong.
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: In a strange turn of events, you will be challenged to a Yo Mama duel by a Klingon. You will win with the ultimate burn: “Your mother has a smooth forehead,” and then exclaim “Qapla!” as you gesture to deez nuts.
Ophichus [?*&!]: You’re worse than this cosplay fail:
