9 Things I’ll Print with My 3D Printer

3D printers are now a thing that exist! So if you were already impressed with regular printers and already didn’t understand how scanners worked, or clocks for that matter, or dishwashers; move over brontosaurus, ’cause time has continued to pass while you didn’t understand things.

Can you afford the 3D printer? Well, are you a lawyer? Are your parents lawyers? Then maybe you can!

While I fear the 3D printer as much as I fear the especially harrowing rising water level in Boston Harbor, I also welcome the future and the opportunity to print plastic things. Why? BECAUSE I LOVED My Little Ponies.

I could also print a gun and kill EVERYONE. So there it is. The dilemma of scientific advancement. My Little Ponies or guns.

I would, after some soul-searching, ultimately use my 3D printer for good and would print the following:

1.) Presents for people I’d forgotten to get presents.

2.) Clothing from Forever 21, but downloaded so it actually properly fit my bodacious booty.

3.) Fly sneakers made of recyclable plastic. Jealous? (The technology to do this on a home printer doesn’t even fully exist yet, so calm down. Everybody will get a turn to steal everybody’s copyrighted ideas.)

4.) Full body armor to protect me from the tribal warfare that will inevitably swallow and consume Park Slope once everyone has decided to print a gun, except for me.

5.) My Little Ponies, as discussed, for nostalgic purposes. (In the plastic boxes just like they were sold at Toys R Us in 1989. Same rubber smell, if printably possible.)

6.) Desalination gadgets—to turn the rising ocean into potable water for my thirsty tum tum in stressful-future-times.

7.) Food. …Flour, water, put it in the printer and… make bread! You printed bread! (Or am I just describing a bread machine? …Yes, I am describing a bread machine.)

8.) Drugs! Print your own recreational drugs! What could be less legal and more exciting!?

9.) A therapist. Nobody wants to hear your problems! I certainly don’t (though I love you, unconditionally, of course, don’t worry, let it out, yes he still loves you, sure, yes, you are beautiful, etc.) The Japanese, like seven years ago, already, made a Japanese therapist robot. (I’m not creative enough to have made this up.) The therapist robot is a terrifyingly realistic android therapist who “listens” to you and blinks and says things like, “And how did that make you feel?” It is programmed when to say which generic therapist response based on some algorithms. Print that for your whiney (and beloved!) friends! Print one for yourself. YOU get a Japanese robot therapist and YOU get a Japanese robot therapist…!

The future… is 3D-printing (in plastics!)

What will you be printing?

(Also, while I have your attention: How do dishwashers work?)