9 Reasons There Shouldn’t Be A “Dirty Dancing” Remake

It is with the die-hard dirty dancers in mind, that we give you 9 reasons why nobody puts Dirty Dancing the O.G. in a corner:

1.  Baby’s Schnoz
As American as apple pie, Frances “Baby” Houseman’s nose defined a generation.  It was (because, alas, it no longer exists) the iconic detail of the face of the girl we all aspired to be like.  It showed us all that, though Baby wasn’t perfect, she still screwed Patrick Swayze, which meant that we, flaws and all, could someday knock boots with Swayze as well.

2.  Can Lea Michele play anything other than Lea Michele?
Lea Michele’s in the running to play our beloved Baby.  Okay, she has the nose down, but can Lea, who plays the nearly equally iconic Rachel Berry on Glee, play anything other than Rachel Berry?  That’s like asking 1987 Jennifer Grey to play Rachel on Glee.  Impossible!  Plus, have you seen Lea try to dance on Glee?  Thank Babz for that singing voice, girl.

3.  Baby’s Hair
Can you say Jew-fro?  Baby could.  Jennifer Grey was rocking the curly locks in this movie and we were all mesmerized by the size of her post-rainstorm hair as Johnny drove Baby to the lake.  Considering Hollywood’s tendency to “glamify” even the nerdiest characters in films (ahem, Easy-A), we doubt the new Baby will be rocking Jennifer Grey’s classic Jew-fro in the remake.  No Jew-fro, no go!

4.  Emma Stone’s too sassy to utter the words, “I carried a watermelon?”
This is the second most classic line of the film.  It was Baby’s naïveté and sweet girl ways that made us want to say, “Hell yes, girl!  You did!” and burst into laughter as if she were our bestie.  Though Emma Stone, said to be first in line to reprise the role of “Baby,” is a cutie in her own right, she’s played one too many smart/snarky characters to utter these words and make them believable.  And don’t even THINK about cutting that line, Kenny Ortega, or we’ll cut YOU.

5.  Justin Timberlake will NEVER pirouette like Patrick Swayze
Timberlake’s rumored as a top pick to play Johnny.  But there is just no comparing the epicness of Swayze in Dirty Justin Timberlake do this? Please.Dancing to Timberlake in, well, anything.  The MySpace king may have brought “sexy back,” but Swayze f*cking invented sexy.  A man who can do a pirouette and make a woman (or gay man) jizz her pants is oozing magic man-mojo.  If Timberlake did a pirouette, most ladies would just continue to be confused about his sexuality (except the gays, they know who’s “family” and who’s not — and they’re on to you, JT).

6.  The Catskills
In the ‘80s, looking at backwoods folks doing crazy things like having grinding parties in secret rec rooms and abortions in the middle of the night was unique, but with the advent of reality TV, we’ll never again question what’s happening in the boonies.  Plus, everyone dances dirty now.  Heck, they’re usually half-naked while doing it.

7.  “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
This line has been spoken more times than cocaine’s been snorted off Ke$ha’s inner thigh.  It was EXPLOSIVE when Patrick Swayze uttered these words.  The magnitude of cheesiness, and probably cologne, is incomparable today.  And to have anyone else say it, even if it is Chris Hemsworth, is sacrilegious.  Respect Swayze’s memory, damn it.

8.  The Lift
Now that Americans have been inundated with dance competition shows, every Tom, Dick and Mary Murphy has become a dancing judge.  Baby and Johnny’s classic final lift will never live up to this new generation’s expectations, unless they do some sort of aerial flip where Baby wraps herself backward and under Johnny and back up into a split lift.  Please don’t make Baby and Johnny dance for their lives, kiddies.

9.  Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
Uh, uh, uh, Hollywood.  You can’t pull a fast one on us.  Do you think we’d neglect to mention your 2004 sorta-maybe-we-swear-it’s-sort-of-a-sequel-but-really-it’s-a-remake film, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, starring Diego Luna (really, couldn’t get Gael?) and Romola Garai?  See what happens when your lead doesn’t have the schnoz or the Jew-fro?  Crash and burn.

Lastly, stop re-making shit, Hollywood!  Go out and be brilliant with a new dance movie with a new concept that we’ll all fall in love with.  One that will become another cult classic like Dirty Dancing did.  Fans around the world sure as hell’ve been waiting for one.

And no, Step Up 3D does not count.