Hipsters can’t:
Smell good: Hipsters can’t shower very often, for fear of looking too clean and being judged by their hipster friends for apparent water over-consumption. They also don’t wear cologne and choose to be au natural, a la hipster culture. Hipsters will never get to hear a drunk girl at a party say, “You like, SMELL sooo good,” unless she is a hipster girl and admires the stench of body odor. Even so, she probably wouldn’t say that because it doesn’t sound hipstamatic.
Dress weather-appropriately: Hipster fashion entails a mixture of different weather-appropriate articles in one outfit. For example, if a hipster is wearing shorts and mandals, he can add a wool beanie or, perhaps, a flannel shirt peeking out of a shrunken vintage sweatshirt that cost $78. This outfit might be worn in the sweltering heat or the frigid cold. Either way, a hipster sacrifices comfort for the cause.
Watch any “Real Housewives” series: You know that shit is gold. And there’s no way hipsters can enjoy the fabulous banter and drama among these rich, middle-aged women, unless they set up a secret lair, equipped with TiVo, hidden away from their hipster friends. And even then, they might have too much hip-guilt to engage in such an activity.
Go to Taco Bell: Taco Bell is delicious, but hipsters can’t go there. If a hipster goes to Taco Bell, they’re not a hipster at all. Thus, anyone feasting on chalupas and those delicious crispy fried cinnamon things can’t be a hipster. It’s simple math.
Make sense: Hipster culture is based around independent thought, yet all hipsters are restricted to the same unspoken lifestyle and regimen. Think Fight Club meets Shutter Island. Hipsters’ anti-consumerism agendas and simultaneous affinity for Disneyland is a paradox, and doesn’t make any sense to non-hipsters. However, hipsters love paradoxes and don’t view paradoxes as paradoxes whatsoever. Now you can see why hipsters have no idea that they are, in fact, hipsters. Think The Others.
Maybe I’m a hipster for writing this. Maybe Fight Club, Shutter Island, and The Others were all originally featured at the Sundance Film Festival. Maybe you’re a hipster and reading this post about hipsters is just an unconscious act of irony against yourself. Maybe your name is Andrew Laeddis. Who really knows?
So there you have it, folks. Next time you feel like punching that hipster, think twice, and … just get that “punch a hipster” app on your phone as a means of channeling your frustration. Together, we can stop hipster-hate and eventually even clear our own confusion.
