Your Alarm
When you wake up, your radio alarm goes off at the exact time the-most-annoying-song-ever-written is playing. It’s usually some whiny/auto-tuned rapper, with no talent, singing a song with three verses and a simple, predictable hook like: “How to Looove. How to Loooooove. How to Loooooooooaghhhhhhveeee.”
Your Cold Shower
While you’re showering, the water starts to run cold just as you’re about to rinse. You feel like a complete douchebag as you step back and wait for the water to get hot again. Meanwhile, you start plotting revenge on your idiot roommate who decided that seven o’clock in the morning was the perfect time to use the dishwasher, refill the Brita water filter, and wash her clothes all at the same time.
Your Toothpaste Stain
While brushing your teeth, you find that you got Crest all over your work blouse. Greeaaaaaat. Either you change now and run ten minutes late, or, you can show up to work on time looking like your boyfriend jizzed all over you.
Uber-Expensive Gas
First, you have to make your way through the herd of cars that are encircling the gas station like they’re vultures ready to eat a dead zebra. Once you do find a spot, you discover that gas prices are up another five hundred thousand dollars, plus they want a pot of gold stolen from a virgin Leprechaun.
That Bigot Who You’re Stuck In Traffic With
When you’re finally on your way to work, you end up getting stuck in traffic and spending the entire time behind a car that has a Confederate flag waving from its antenna, and a bumper sticker that reads: “GOD HATES CHAZ BONO, ANYONE WHO EVER HOSTED THE TONYS, AND MOST, IF NOT ALL, OF LADY GAGA’S OUTFITS.”
Your Boss “Observing” You
At work, your boss decides to “observe” you during one of your worst work weeks. The whole time you keep thinking: Why didn’t you observe me last week when Glenda from accounting came to thank me for all the money I had saved after I suggested we switch from regular pens to recycled pens made out of old iPhone 3s? But just as you’re about to say that out loud, your boss shakes his head, makes a note on his clipboard and moves on. You wanna shout: “WAIT, I CAN DO BETTER!” But it’s too late. He’s gone. And you’re probably fired.
The One Hour Left Over for Your Personal Life
After work, you have exactly one hour to do the following before going to bed: eat dinner, do laundry, feed your dog, call your mom, spoon your boyfriend, go to the grocery store, clean your apartment, and call DIRECTV to ask what channel OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network) is on. Unfortunately, the most you’re able to do in this hour is take a bite out of a hot pocket and then fall asleep on the couch while your starving dog begins to gnaw on your elbow.
When you wake up, your radio alarm goes off at the exact time the-most-annoying-song-ever-written is playing. It’s usually some whiny/auto-tuned rapper, with no talent, singing a song with three verses and a simple, predictable hook like: “How to Looove. How to Loooooove. How to Loooooooooaghhhhhhveeee.”
Your Cold Shower
While you’re showering, the water starts to run cold just as you’re about to rinse. You feel like a complete douchebag as you step back and wait for the water to get hot again. Meanwhile, you start plotting revenge on your idiot roommate who decided that seven o’clock in the morning was the perfect time to use the dishwasher, refill the Brita water filter, and wash her clothes all at the same time.
Your Toothpaste Stain
While brushing your teeth, you find that you got Crest all over your work blouse. Greeaaaaaat. Either you change now and run ten minutes late, or, you can show up to work on time looking like your boyfriend jizzed all over you.
Uber-Expensive Gas
First, you have to make your way through the herd of cars that are encircling the gas station like they’re vultures ready to eat a dead zebra. Once you do find a spot, you discover that gas prices are up another five hundred thousand dollars, plus they want a pot of gold stolen from a virgin Leprechaun.
That Bigot Who You’re Stuck In Traffic With
When you’re finally on your way to work, you end up getting stuck in traffic and spending the entire time behind a car that has a Confederate flag waving from its antenna, and a bumper sticker that reads: “GOD HATES CHAZ BONO, ANYONE WHO EVER HOSTED THE TONYS, AND MOST, IF NOT ALL, OF LADY GAGA’S OUTFITS.”
Your Boss “Observing” You
At work, your boss decides to “observe” you during one of your worst work weeks. The whole time you keep thinking: Why didn’t you observe me last week when Glenda from accounting came to thank me for all the money I had saved after I suggested we switch from regular pens to recycled pens made out of old iPhone 3s? But just as you’re about to say that out loud, your boss shakes his head, makes a note on his clipboard and moves on. You wanna shout: “WAIT, I CAN DO BETTER!” But it’s too late. He’s gone. And you’re probably fired.
The One Hour Left Over for Your Personal Life
After work, you have exactly one hour to do the following before going to bed: eat dinner, do laundry, feed your dog, call your mom, spoon your boyfriend, go to the grocery store, clean your apartment, and call DIRECTV to ask what channel OWN (The Oprah Winfrey Network) is on. Unfortunately, the most you’re able to do in this hour is take a bite out of a hot pocket and then fall asleep on the couch while your starving dog begins to gnaw on your elbow.
